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Living Separately While Married Or In A Relationship

living separately while married

People have always been astonished when I tell them about my living situation. No, I’m not homeless, and no, I don’t live in a share house. I’m not a gypsy and I’m not a backpacker! In fact, I’m happily married and have been for the last 11 years. I live in a separate house to my husband and it’s the best thing I ever did…

Now, before you wonder what the hell is going on and how we do it, there’s a reason for it. I had a husband for 26 years who I lived with and had 4 children with. He was wonderful but I couldn’t help but feel stifled in our relationship. Instead of being two individuals, we became one amalgamated version of ourselves. We’d go to the shops together, we’d go out with our friends together…basically we didn’t have lives that allowed us to be anything but attached at the hip. I was a stay at home mum and he worked at home too so we barely spent a moment apart in all the years we were married.

Lo and behold, we got divorced in 1999 and it opened a whole new world to me. I could think and do things freely (nothing against my ex, he didn’t hold me against my will!) and for the first time ever, I had time for me. I was single for 3 years before I met Angelo on a solo flight I had to Italy. He was incredible and very kind. We got along like a house on fire but little did I know it would mean we wouldn’t even share the house….

While we were courting, I would stay at his home every few nights and vice versa. We lived around the corner from one another and in my single years, I’d made a fabulous little home for myself that I couldn’t bear to give up. I told Angelo about my predicament when he asked if I would live with him. I asked, “Why can’t we just live apart and still see each other most days?”. At first he was a little shocked but as we started to get busier with work and grandkids, it didn’t matter!

So it’s been 11 years and I still get my private time alone and I can decorate in loud, bright colours like I love to. Angelo has his space and I have mine. Helena Bonham Carter And what about our sex life, you say? We don’t need to plan it, I can be spontaneous! Arriving on his door step in a silk robe unannounced is definitely my idea of fun. We have sexy sleepovers and wine nights and the time apart just makes my heart grow fonder. I couldn’t think of a better living arrangement. I haven’t learnt to resent him or grow tired or annoyed by him – in fact, we have never had an argument. Now how crazy do I sound?

 

Would you ever live apart from your partner? Or do you love the closeness? Or do you wish you could? Do you already? Tell us below.


 
This article was posted by our friends at Starts At Sixty, an online community for active adults over 60.

183 Comments

  1. Stephanie

    I would prefer living separately because I need my own space. I want the opportunity to miss someone !!

    1. Pol

      I tried this it was the worst my husband would invite women over when I at my place it’s hard to trust men there was prostitute in my house I was devastated

      1. WhatsSup

        By definition, LAT is a monogamous relationship on where the partners don’t cohabitate. Once a cheater, always a cheater no matter if they are married, cohabitating, children, ect….if they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat…

        1. Ozzie

          Your right

          1. Cee

            *you’re

        2. Mahfeli

          I agree, a cheater is a cheater no matter what the situation is.

          1. Kyle

            I disagree, I had an emotional affair on my wife. She has been a violent and abusive alcoholic for years. I can’t explain to you what that is like but it’s an extreme rollercoaster of hope and denial. I’m terribly remorseful for what I did and the damage it’s caused. She is now getting her revenge with another man and we are still married. I can truly say this is something I will NEVER do again in my life. I’ll never stop regretting the pain that I caused and the damage I did to her and the people around us. There are people out there that make horrible decisions and learn from them. I’m still supporting my wife financially as she has her affair. It will end in two weeks and she can do what she likes but I will never do that again. Being on both the giving and receiving ends of affairs. There is no excuse for what I did but I have learned from my mistake and will never repeat it.

        3. julie mad

          that is so true

        4. g

          Personally, I always thought that it is the only thing that makes sense. We fall in love, we start meeting. Then, we just keep meeting forever – what is not right about this? I don’t even get the idea of moving together. It is not necessary to do laundry together to love each other. But most people do exactly opposite: they do everything together so much that there’s no room for love left and much less for romance. Why people even move in together in the first place? I never EVER understood this…….

          1. Belle

            Amen!!!! The idea that we have to share every single part of our lives with someone to be in love is complete foolishness.

      2. Donna Dreyer

        Hi there, My husband and i have been separated since May 30,weve been together nine years, married seven years, I’m a basket case over this, i can’t handle him living somewhere else

        1. Josie Assini

          Donna, I moved out 2 weeks ago. For me it was the right step and yes very tough. The nights alone, the dinners we shared but try thinking about how each of you can focus on what it is you really want and give each other the space to figure out if staying married is what you really want. Hang with friends or family and go to the gym. Allow him to miss you. I look at it like this, if my husband loves and wants me, my physical presence shouldn’t matter. we did whats called a ” controlled separation” with our therapist. We will re-assess things in 6 months and see if we want to press on or divorce. Although I miss him, I realize this is the best step to saving the marriage.

          1. Mike

            Please help ! My wife and I are separating now, and her father is buying her a house to share with her mom (she needs help with driving etc) she wants to stay married and try to work slowly starting over (we’ve been married 18 years with kids)
            I keep wanting to put a timeframe of 6mos to 1 year or so to make a decision to reconcile and move back in together, but buying a house is a serious commitment. She wants to take it day by day and see how things go, whether it’s 1 year or 5 years !
            Please help with any advice !
            TY

    2. Pascal

      I totally agree. Marriage for me is very stifling – as beneficial as it is to have the contract of a mutual life goal, there are so many things that we all need which are curtailed. Future, more enlightened generations will marvel at how we endured the tyranny of lifelong monogamy or even living day in day out with the same person.

      1. Sid

        I agree completely. I am a 30-something year old woman. Tried it (marriage) and failed (and we tried hard, I like to believe). I agree with comment if “the tyranny of lifelong monogamy”. I see so many well-meaning people struggle with this; they may not cheat but I see many resigned, sexually frustrated couples. I am now up front about this. I don’t want serial lovers but I want choice and believe you can have intimate relationships without the confines of marriage.

      2. Tru

        I’m married but live apart from my darling hubby .I find night time worse when I’m tired and just want to sleep snuggled up with him in his arms its really tough sometimes. I miss not having a,physical relationship with him. .I love my independence and my space but then I miss having the closeness and I miss going out with him sand having fun with him .I’m at like bursting point right now ,seriously I’m like I can’t hold out for him much more .living apart is such a turn on because it is very sexy and missing each other is a turn on that when you meet up its like I need you right now. .like this very minute lol .I’ve waited almost eight years in which time I’ve not been in a physical relationship with another guy. .what makes things complex is that I live with my partner of twenty years we have a son who is nearly 16 years old me and my partner are not wed and we aren’t in a,marital as such relationship. My marriage though is arranged .I miss my hubby and I’m tired of being in such a complex situation. I fancy my husband living apart is tough. I don’t know what the future holds I might be moving with son and perhaps hubby will live too I’d certainly like to try and see if things could work out. I guess we fancy each other that’s a start. ! I’m looking forward to his snuggles and laughing with him because he is so funny and sweet we are a good match for each other . I miss him tonight but I’m trying to be strong. Everyone is different whether they can be married and live apart I need my hubby I don’t want to be away from him. We have lots to catch up with but what I like is his warmth and humour he is very sweet and handsome and I feel at ease with him. He doesn’t make me feel intimidated or anything. I’m crazy about him I love you every day and I am going to stay true to him. I’m very lucky to have him and have nothing but respect for him. Whilst we are apart he is OK to keep an eye on stuff its fine I’m very open and I don’t mind that at all he is just being a good husband . I’m totally in love and true love takes hard work respect and commitment and staying true which is what I’m giving it . my total all. I think when your lucky to find someone so incredible you work at it and remain grateful for your relationship I love my hubby can’t wait to be with him waited so long I’m going to burst lol I’ve been very patient but I can’t hold out much more he needs to take me home lol. My marriage is going to work good fun happy times. . @#team t and Lee ..good times ! 🙂

      3. Rita Morgan

        I agree!

    3. G.S.

      If the idea were discussed with me prior to marriage fr me to consider I would have the opportunity to say no or OK, but to ask me to marry you then immediately offer it as an arrangement is sneaky and going into a relationship under fradulent pretenses which is what happened to me. Being up front about your desires always works out better.

    4. mike

      This post is ignorant..I am as liberal as they come but don’t call this love…it’s a way to get laid a couple times a week without committing emotionally. ..he’s sick..and u are not there. ..something to do when u have been burned and can’t trust

      1. petra

        and you are ignorant to..how dare you say whats love and what isnt…what about women who who’ve been traumatized by men…and they dont wnat to live together….speak for yourself…its a personal choice ….and lot of marriages ruined just beacuse couples were living together…ive been abused hella lot and im not even thinking with living with my partner nor marrying ..beacuse a piece of paper and mutual living doesnt means anything to me…and btw you should be burned alive at stake….have some understanding…its not about geting laid once in a while..its a about having your own space…

        1. Straight up

          Girl go in another room of the house if you need space.

          1. Kellye

            I moved to the house right next to my husband… it saved our marriage. I still walk over and sleep in the same bed with him at night, but everything else is seperate. It has rekindled our respect for one another. I don’t believe it is for everyone, but it sure works for us.

          2. Ralph

            Great answer. Only thing, first another room, then separate checking accounts, then split bills down middle. The next is obvious !

            I’m going through this now with my wife of 13 years. No cheating, abuse or anything. For 13 years my wife, British, would rarely venture an Opinion about where to dine, what to cook or have a friends get together , etc. now she says I’m controlling. She has been sleeping in couch on and off fir six months. Didn’t think much of it but Now after a serious disagreement, about her son and criminal charges(who pays legal cost ), she moved into spare bedroom and our relationship is like brother and sister. Yes this is her second marriage and my third and last. Sex? Never was a priority with her. Think maybe once a year. It seems to all have gone down hill. 6 years ago I accepted the Lord. I’m not a Jesus freak. I just love the Lord. I don’t force her in my Christian walk. She says she doesn’t believe in God, but used to go to Catholic Church once in a while with me and even received communion. I don’t get it

            So I have to wait and see where it goes with God!s help. But words of encouragement to this senior citizen would always be appreciated

        2. Candice

          I agree. I was traumatized in my mentally abusive relationship. I never want to live with another man again. I felt trapped, I had to endure his abuse because I had no where else to go. Breaking up was Hell…He wouldn’t “let” me move out I had to do it behind his back. If I had my own place I could’ve left this miserable relationship a lot sooner without having to save up for a place to live and moving expenses and trying to move out without him knowing. Living with him also ruined me financially as he stopped making his half of mortgage payments and lied to me about it, let our place go into foreclosure. During weeks of silent treatments from him, I’d have to walk on eggshells. Never again…Our relationship was good until we got a place together.

      2. petra

        living apart is a matter of choice…and how dare you say this isnt love…what about women who have been traumatized by men….and they dont even want to hear about living with guys and putting their children to risk….ive been abused and i dont want to live together with a man,,i want my own space..this is about space….this has nothing to with getting laid once in while or not loving each other…some people had shitty childhood and lived in abusive homes….some people do it because they they feel better about their privacy ….

        1. Gypsy Mocha

          You hit it on the head, Petra! I can definitely relate to the situations you’re talking about. This may be the best option for me.

        2. Eliana

          Were my husband and I now are separated and its hard.but he like it like this.I feel if we are separated we aren’t marriage this is not the way I want to live my life we just don’t wake-up like this and smile about it so I am moving to another state to put my life in order.

          1. Eliana

            Were my husband and I now are separated and its hard.but he like it like this.I feel if we are separated we aren’t marriage this is not the way I want to live my life we just don’t wake-up like this and smile about it so I am moving to another state to put my life in order.

      3. tee

        Right…….the article is soooooooo glamorized. Sure we met a great Italian man on flight! How cliché!

      4. Jennifer

        I agree with you

      5. Q

        No matter when, where, or with who. . Those who get married will always have in common that oppurtunity of maritial status change from single to married or sadly divorced etc. . .
        But that does NOT mean we all must have the same exact married life or do things the same!!
        ⭐COMMON sense quicktip for ignorant simple minded people…..
        Dont people come in all types of ways, sizes shapes, colors etc. Yet do you see us all doing things or or living our lives by the same lifestyle choice, routine, rules, etc.????
        ⭐Answer
        NO!!!! So why should marriage be any different? Everyone has a unique way of feeling emotions so the key point is
        Worry about your own love life and relationships, because as wierd or wrong or even different it may be, it makes them happy & guess what no matter how many people complain or disagree its not going to change anything because to them THAT IT THEIR FORM of LOVE
        We have the right to create & live our marriage any way we want if both spouses agree & are happy why should it matter what arrangements or how open they are etc.

      6. Shavon Alston

        Totally agree

    5. Keesha

      I had suggested this to my husband before our marriage got really bad and now I want out completely because I too feel so stifled and stagnant. I love being alone and he doesn’t. I feel so drained from his constant pulling on me mentally and psychologically. I have been looking for anything on living separate.

      1. Naner

        That was ME and my husband. We are now separated. Sadly the only way I could get away was sneak away…across country. He is a good man with bad habits and our proximity to each other is toxic. When living with me, he became enabled and despite our love and desire for one another a constant, cohabitation was bringing both of us down. He works is motivated and stays busy when I’m not with him and I don’t constantly get flack for my hobbies and my need for me time now.

        1. Ssssss

          Hi I would like to know don’t you think if you didn’t leave what could have been. Yes every relationship goes through rough patches and if 2 people love each other surely they can resolve matters. My wife recently left and I wish she didn’t. I lost a good woman ..::…

          1. Denise

            I haven’t lived with my husband for years. We bought a second home years ago and I moved into it 2 hours away. I want a divorce but he doesn’t, he enjoys the tax benefits too much. I was a mother, a wife and a slave for years. Enough was enough, so I moved out.

      2. yogesh

        I agree

    6. Ruby

      Hi I have some issues We married for 2 years almost. His ex was involved before we got married. He wants married overseas and I wanted a proper wedding. But I love him so “we” keep “compromise” until we fought more often after he keeps delating children plan. So he moved out and “offering” LAT but he still no texting during his working hours as before and fought against me while he was driving on the way to pick up my new furniture since he moved the mattress with him. Two nights he disappearing and went a camping trip without messages. Should I stay or should I go?
      Hoping an answer

      1. Christina

        I’m not sure what to do I’m tired of picking up and cleaning behind my husband.washing dishes after a 17 &18 year old they were told they didn’t have to clean if they didn’t want to. Well u should see how gross things can get.I’m tired of answering to others.not being heard.just recently my friend let me borrow a cord it wound up cut my things messed with and perfume stolen. Me I’m emotionally all over and started being mean with name calling he’s called me racist names and recently hit me and threatened to slap me and drag me out the house .I’m not financial stable to just leave I love him but he doesn’t show mW the respect and nor the benifit of the doubt and I don’t like the way this and past trama has me reacting rudly and feeling insecure and jes selfish with pleasing me sexaully its confusing but as lonely as I may be once I can I think I’d rather just worry about me he’s got six kids to keep him busy

        1. Marcie Rogo

          Hi Christina, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you’re in a potentially dangerous and violent situation. I hope you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. Please take care of yourself and I hope when you are feeling up to it you can meet kind companions on Stitch.

        2. Sue

          Hi Christine.
          I was in a similar situation to you and was so depressed living with a manipulative man who put me down, cheated on me and blamed me for everything, he had a teenage son who would attack me if I so much as asked him to wash a cup up… cutting the story short I walked out with a bag and stayed with a friend for two days not knowing what to do, I worked as a self employed hairdresser so didnt have money to rent, I was in a terrible state.
          I contacted a womans refuge and was excepted, I stayed there for 7 months and it was not as bad as most think, the first night I was there I sat in a dark room and cried, I felt I had nothing and this is what it had come too. what I didnt realise was that it was the beginning of an abuse free life.
          Now I am doing a degree, I have my own place and a life again.
          You only have one life and these men do not change.
          There is help out there. I hope things go your way

          1. Sue J

            Seems like he had the narcissistic personality …DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:
            * Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
            * Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
            * Exaggerating your achievements and talents
            * Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
            * Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
            * Requiring constant admiration
            * Having a sense of entitlement
            * Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
            * Taking advantage of others to get what you want
            * Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
            * Being envious of others and believing others envy you
            * Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
            Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.

        3. Shantel

          Girl yes leave him be i was in a bad relationship where his child stole everything was nasty both of them but he started working on it with her cause he got tired of my mouth but still things were out of control so i left and now hes promising me the world but i havent accepted but i do love him its been almost a year

        4. Ssssss

          Hi Christine your situation is very similar to mine. Just that I truly never want my wife to leave. We have been apart before but this time I can’t seem to handle it. I have 6 kids but only 5 with me. It sad looking into their faces and listen to them say we missing mummy. How do I answer them when I’m missing her myself. Does true love even exist anymore

        5. Sssssss

          Hi you sound like you living in a house of terror. Y would anyone want to live like that being name called and getting assaulted, he steals your female perfume and sexually not satisfied,……best advice get out and find happiness love cos that is not a man. I loved my wife and had reason many a times to lift up my hands for betraying my trust and being unfaithful yet I did’nt. I expressed anger that moment and moved on. Hope you get help cos you need it✌️

      2. G.S.

        Ruby, It will only get worse until he cuts all ties, so prepare yourself. One person cannot make a relationship work, no matter how hard you try. best you start loking for what you want in a relationship elsewhere, even if you do not physically leave. His behavior is trying to make you leave. If it does not work in making you leave, he will soon leave himself.

      3. Rene

        You need to know for yourself if you want to put up with his behavior. You are the one that has to deal with it. Now ask yourself do you want to deal with this, if you still can’t answer yourself then you have not had enough of the pain yet. You’ll know when you can’t tolerate something anymore and only you can know this.

    7. Carla

      I feel same way. Been married 3 times now like my time just me in my own home..

    8. Mrs me

      I’m married to the most beautiful man. We live apart. My husband is beautiful and funny sweet gorgeous. Every girls dream of the ideal husband. I’m also widowed to my husband jack who was an actor. I love my husband and I find it sexy living apart I find it a huge turn on ands sexy the thought of a night of passion with him is more than I can take we will meet soon and if we get on we get on then great ,if not then I would not hold it against him. I’m actually in an arranged marriage with my husband but I don’t mind. I love him. Dearly. Thing is I live with my partner of twenty years and we have a son together who is nearly 16 . everything has been difficult not our faults things just didn’t work out how we hoped doesn’t mean I don’t love him though .I’m in love with my husband and so turned on by him living without him is tearing me apart god I want him so much. .we have indepedance and privacy and I respect that I want him to have those things and a social life because I understand he has a world outside me too. I’ve loved my husband for nearly eight years and stayed true to my marriage. I want my husband to take me from being a girl to a women because I’m in a marriage where I feel like I’m a new women. I want him to give me my womaninity even though I’ve been confused as to my gender and sexual orientation. I love my husband I want to wait for him to love me. I haven’t had a physical relationship with the partner I’m with now for many years instead I’m saving myself for my husband. I!m staying true to my marriage. I know my situation is a complex one .I have a husband a partner and I’m a widow. . I hope to god that I can make my marriage work. I’m only 41 years old so I think I’m young. Still. I have gone through a lot but it proves a good marriage can work standing the test of time shows that your committed to your husband and madly in love. Which I am. I’ve waited for eight years and I,ll wait as long as it takes for him if I have to wait forever that’s what I,ll do. I’m going to show him I love him so much I really can’t stand being without him. Its awful I don’t mind being in an arranged marriage ,which is what it is …but the best thing I’ve ever been involved in. He is perfect for me. ..I’m crazy about him. I’ve gone through so much personal stuff and I’m coping and ready to go home to my husband. I’m strong. He might think I’m weak right now and perhaps might have had cold feet hope not but that’s fine I go home to him when he feels comfortable with it. That’s his decision I’m not going to rush him .love is natural not forced things happen when their ready to. I just want him to know he is loved and thought of every day. And I will love until my journey here is complete I love you my darling your loved and I want the whole world to know it. Whether we live together or not doesn’t change how I feel about you. And even if we live apart I’m staying in the marriage with you and will remain true to you. I hope we can spend some time together though because I miss you so much.

  2. Stephanie

    Yes, I would live alone from my partner because i need my own “space”. Too much togetherness can be stifling and reduce that old romantic feeling.

    1. Cathy

      I am still married to my husband but we purposely live apart and we both date others. We did not divorce because of financial reasons. We are still close friends and have sex even but we both love the freedom. Our children are grown and on their own so it has worked out perfectly. I will never be tied down to one guy again because they soon become possessive and controlling. I keep myself fit and trim which helps attract the younger guys. I am 56 years old and have always had men friends younger than I am. Sometimes my guys are allowed to stay a few days but understand that I need my space, so only a few days. I LOVE this arrangement!!!!!!!!!!

      1. Marie

        This is the arrangement we are moving toward. We are 63 and 68 and have been together for 16 years. I have always missed having my own flat and my privacy for art, reading or just seeing friends. We have talked about it. We are going to try just taking separate month long vacations. I prefer a warm spot for winter; he loves the snow. While he has a lot of wonderful qualities, he has little interest in art or literature.

      2. WhatsSup

        Sounds like you and your hubs are poly…and it works for you two, congrats!

      3. Christine

        Cathy, this is really weird, but would mind talking to a complete stranger about this? I could really use some advice from this perspective.

      4. Jose

        I love it.. Do your thing

      5. YO

        Frivolous…

      6. Agnes Ujfalussy

        Good for u girlfriend my husband left me while I had PTSD from and accident and became majorly depressive but he did everything to discredit me being a registered healthcare professional to have the universe out info in my lap that he was having an affair with a women 15 his junior because of his sexual lifestyle BDSM which I partake in.but he ruined me financially to support her and put me into bankruptcy number 2 using the excuse I haven’t decided yet if I am coming back and I perjured myself in family court that he only slapped me.really he should have been charged Kong ago I had 15 plus bad beatings because of his hatred to his first wife since she denies access.one a liar and cheat and abuser always.i live in peace without fear and reconcile with an old military special forces friend who made me realize live and seize the day.respect urself first. Love ur LIFE and not blame urself for men who R emotionally cripple men and to have them say you made me do it lol live each day people will only do what u allow them to do.once someone abandon s u it is up to them to come to you since they R the ones who unilaterally decided to leave.and not put ur self into self sacrifice never.And mist men do not know woman REALLY because they would listen..I maybe off totally off topic men should be able to talk as adults and talk as such and instead of blaming us women.when men get angry they come from a place of fear they R going to learn something? But the last 9 months gave been the hardest part for me my life coach says in order to grow u must feel u R sadness pain and whatever but unordered to grow.And choose peace and send it back with love some men never learn and people in general do not change their basic nature they maybe become a better version of themselves but Most people out there and there R allot who R lonely sad and do not have family or proper caring friends and mant people drink do drug get into the wrong crowd think ing that it will numb the pain.and u could move to another side if the world but u R pain suffering and sadness will continue.And I am a spiritual ist and some of the Bible thumpers biggest problem is that they lie cheat and do the mist horrendous things but by going to church and being baptized all is forgiven Respectfully yours I finally put it into a nut shell myv2 1\2 years of suffering with a man I married for over twenty years.Now is my time whatever time I have Left

    2. sevillas

      Hi, just wondering, do you live alone from your husband? If so, for how long, and how has it worked?

  3. Christine

    I am about to try this with my husband. We hVe been biting each other’s heads off and all I knew how to do was kick him out. As soon as he was gone I was confused. I love him while he’s gone, but I hate his mess and habits, it goes against my lifelong OCDs (diagnosed too), rituals, and habits. So I want to try having separate homes. We are actually excited about the idea! I want my space, to decorate with hot pink and violent electric blue and have nothing but colorful plastic plates and cups and have animal print curtains if I want, with everything properly organized and in its own place, always.

    1. shannon

      Christine, I, too, am planning on moving out of the house that I share with my husband. He has hoarding issues and I am quite OCD and hyper-organized. I feel as if I’ve lost myself in his lifestyle and I cannot go on this way. We have secured a nice apartment for me and I move in October 8. I have purchased some fun (and very girly) furniture at Goodwill and I am so excited! I am looking forward to getting my life back and focusing on the relationship with my husband without all the clutter, chaos and contempt!

    2. chris

      Good for you! Enjoy yourself.

  4. Marco

    Me too, I live with the mother of my kids but we are separated for over 10 years, we came to this arraignment base in the well been of my youngest son , he’s 14 and that way i am free to have a relationship or do what I want and please with my life but take care of my boy with out paying for a sitter or leaving him with somebody else.I have been seen a beautiful woman who’s primary interest isn’t to have a formal relationship or a serious engagement which bringest me to this site looking for something else than a week end girlfriend.I got tons of love to give and I am really passionate but expect the same in return and so far haven’t find it.So if you come across a good , honest passionate guy I’ll really advised you take it serious or it’ll be to late to have’m back from somebody else.

    1. Lisa

      Actually, you are exactly the opposite. She is married, living separately. You are not married, living together.

    2. WhatsSup

      You are not in a LAT…sounds like you are still looking..

  5. Kerry

    This is a great solution for me, and I will definitely give it a go. I am widowed. Husband passed from Early onset Alzheimers. Talk about attached at the hip for 8 very long, hard years. I have been on my own now for over a year and relish my alone time. I don’t need to worry about anyone else, a first for me. I really don’t want to entirely give this up. I have been dating someone and he is pushing to move in. Now, if I can convince him…

    1. Pearl Kirkby

      Hope that worked out for you!

  6. Montserrat

    I think it’s a great idea!! I read a few years ago in a newspaper a new social thing called LAT (living apart together), I think it’s the same thing mentioned here. I’m sure it would work for many people. I don’t believe in being attached to the man all the time, I need my space and like the man to do his things to and whenever the need arises just get together.. I’m very independent and like to do lots of activities, maybe that’s why?

    1. Fred K

      Montserrat, you made a statement in your last sentence, yet you used a question mark. Also use the word “too” next time.
      Enjoy.

      1. Marji J

        Grammar police not necessary and I think they actually were asking a question. Like he/she is asking maybe that’s why they feel that way but they’re not sure. Anyhow, it’s all in how you read it.

      2. Katie

        Lol…you made English errors yourself.

      3. Bess

        You don’t need to be on this site! You need to be on a proper grammar site! How petty! Maybe that’s why he or she left?

  7. Kim

    I just found this page–and I have NEVER chatted or blogged on any website–because I am searching for desperate answers to my current lifestyle….I had my first and only child at age 42 and married for the first time at age 47 (not to my son’s father). I was an ambitious young lawyer living in DC and a husband /family just wasn’t in the cards at the time. I was SO happy that marriage and “family” had come into my later life but my new husband had two young children from his second wife and my life immediately went from a young urban professional who was adjusting to a new young 2 yr. old son to—WHAM!–five people living together in my lovely home, all with different values, different temperments, different sleep styles, food preferences…you get the picture. I had NO idea! Cut to now….after 4 1/2 years of chaos, struggle, fighting (and also some very good times and memories), I melted down while being treated for breast cancer and going through chemotherapy and demanded that they “all get out of my house.” Pretty much those words. My husband, rather than stay with me during the chemo and working things out, literally packed up and was out in two weeks. He moved close by into an apartment complex and now lives in one of our rental homes close by. It has been almost 3 years since our formal separation but we still date, still have dinners together at my home or out, still vacation together…you get the picture. He says he cannot move back because his now 16 year old daughter does not want to live with me—too many “rules”– and, if he moves back home, she will go live with her mother (I should mention that he was getting his children every other week–not just on weekends–so they lived with us 2 wks out of each month). He has no relationship with an older daughter from his first wife so he refuses to “lose” his younger daughter by moving back in with me and my son. His older son is away at college and doesn’t live with us at all anymore so he is almost a non-issue. This is NOT a situation that I approve of or like. I miss him when he is not here. He stays here and even eats dinner with us a lot when he doesn’t have his daughter and then stays with her at his “home” when it is “his week.” We both love each other and do not want to divorce but I can no longer take the emotional turmoil that I experience when he is there with her and not with me and my son. I just wanted us to all be together as a FAMILY and I have stressed that fact over and over and over to him, to no avail. I constantly say “we have to talk” but we end up fighting the minute his daughter’s name comes up and I have tried counseling with 2 therapists who have really offered no real solutions. His stock answers to our situation is “I am doing the best I can,” “I don’t want to lose her,” and “this is all I can offer right now.” I also don’t want him to “lose” her as he would always resent me and I do understand his position. I guess he thinks that once she goes off to college–in 3 more years!–we can get back to way we were. But life is short and I do not wish to live my life like this any longer but don’t want to divorce my husband. My own son, who is now 13, is a well adjusted young man, thinks the situation is “silly” and tends to go with the flow. There is SO MUCH more to this story but not enough time to write. Any comments would be helpful… WOW! Thanks for listening.

    1. Marcie Rogo

      Kim, thank you so, so much for sharing this story and for opening your heart. I can not imagine what you are going through, but a lot of people on Stitch are struggling with similar situations. I hope you’ll join our community and connect with them! We’re here to help and to listen. Wishing you a wonderful holiday.

      1. Jason Bower

        I definitely have a relationship issue with my on again off again girlfriend of twelve & a half years & am confused on weather to live with or not….she owns her own home with a mortgage & I own a home without a mortgage…My son is now 16 & a sophomore in high school & she has a 19 year old still living at home with her not his dad’s.Also she has twins.A boy & girl that just turned six with no father.My son lives with me full time & her 3 kids live with her full time.We live 2 miles away from each other…She is a R.N that works nights.11:00p.m to 7:30 a.m.I work 2-3 days a week most weeks & work early afternoons til the early evenings when I work.I can do this because I am mortgage free.I am 46.She is 41.Who should live with who & what should each person pay in this situation???? Help!!!

    2. a w

      well cancer or not it sounds like you sorta did start the situation, poor guy is being pulled between two women he doesnt want to loose. i feel sorry for him. sry for sounding heartless but my advice is to get over yourself and see life through the shoes, you helped make his life rough dont make it even more rough by trying to overly work out the situation. plus hes her flesh and blood youre just his wife, he brought her into the world, he only met you way later. its selfish to be angry at him for spending time with his daughter. lol you dont want to wait 3 whole yeeears to have some normalcy?! well maybe if you didnt kick em out it wouldnt be like that!!!! you dont deserve him and sounds like he should divorce you you are a burden on him

    3. Fred K

      Kim, are you getting paid by the word?

    4. amy

      Kim – i have never posted anything either. I randomly searched my situation and found this site. You’re words and feelings ring true to mine. Don’t really want to get into the blog further, but I thank you for your comments because it makes me feel like i’m not crazy. I wish you the best!

  8. Fay

    Kim… My heart goes out to you and I too share your pain. My situation is similar and my husband ( married only in April this year) have to deal with his kids over the course of 5 and half years of being in a relationship together. My husband has three “children” daughter 18 ( lives independently) daughter 21 (lives independently but relys so much on money and support to do what she wants without having to work a real job but expects him to support her) and a son 16.5 who is very troubled with mental illness issues. All our relationship his kids have dictated our ability to be together as he seems to cater to their wants and runs around after them without insisting they take responsibility for their own actions. He constantly bails them out and it angers me greatly as my three beautiful independent and grown up daughters ( 18, 24 and 25) do not have any affect on the well being of relationship because I won’t let them.

    All of his kids lived FT with me in my house before we were married and I was even financially supporting them for nearly a year. Their mother never stepped in and provided a place for them and preferred instead to live her own life so the responsibility of raising the kids always fell on my husbands shoulders. Anyway, I thought being married would raise my status sign the family but unforntunely I always felt undermined with my husband favouring his kids feelings, stories and wants over mine. I too asked him and kids to leave.

    So here we are living separately trying to re establish our relationship, attending counselling, and he is living in a rental down the road with his son FT. The daughter 21 just asked again to move back home with him ( she is such a user as she sees it as an opportunity to live rent free and not contribute anything to running the household, expecting her father to continue to support her) but I’m so glad he said no to her… Not because it’s the right thing to do but because she expects to return with 2 smelly dogs and a cat which he dosent want in the house.

    Every day I struggle with accepting that once again our lives ( my life) is being dictated to because of his kids. We can’t even go away ( didn’t even for our honey moon) because he doesn’t want to leave his son unsupervised ( recently threatened self harm but in my opinion has no intention of following through but does it for attention.. Which is working)… At times I love my peace and quiet here in my beautiful home and then I resent the situation I’m in because I didn’t get married to feel pushed aside for his kids again but I know deep down I can’t live with his kids anymore as he will always defend them over me and I will not stand for that.

    I wished I had the strength to leave him to be honest. I hate all the drama his family brings to our lives where he is left having to sort through it. In the mean time, I live on my own with my beautiful animals staying away from all the drama… But it’s lonely at times.

    We are planning to live like this for another year ( our entire relationship has been dictated like this because of his kids).. I’m really tired of it but I know I can’t expect him to kick out his son.

    Any suggestions?

    1. Kim

      Wow…thanks for commenting. It’s nice to know there really are others going through my same situation. You sound like you are exactly in my shoes but it doesn’t appear you have any children of your own, which somewhat drives my position. One reason I married my husband was so my son (whose father lives 3 hrs away but sees him every other weekend) could have a somewhat “normal” family life, with dad and sister/brother at the dinner table, creating family memories and holiday traditions, etc. My husband makes no effort to “bond” with my son, instead I am the Boy Scout Mom who is nurturing him through Scouts…, etc. Bottom line is on all of this….I, too, wish I would just tell him “it’s over,” but I would miss the dinners together, trips together to our vacation home, and just being a “couple” around our family and friends. No one wants to hang out with single parents or separated couples so our social lives have taken a big hit. And that’s sad, for both of us. I recently watched a movie (The Pilot’s Wife) about a husband who was living a completely other life with another woman and the current wife knew or suspected nothing but there was a line in the movie where she asked herself, “what kind of woman stays in 1/2 a marriage.” Bam…that’s just what we are doing. Living out our marriages with half of what we signed up for….I want to sleep next to my husband every night, eat dinner with my husband every night, talk about the daily news every morning or discuss my day each evening…not just when it is convenient for him (or the daughter). I invite him over constantly and we have 4-5 nights almost in a row, then he gets her back on a Friday and bam…he only eats here or stays over if she “wants” to. And she is not a “bad” daughter, only nerve-racking with that cell phone (don’t get me started….ha!ha!) and not doing ANYTHING around the house but eat and sleep all hours of the day. No chores, no helping with dinner or laundry…NOTHING. I had set a “deadline” in my mind of this Holiday season…I told him that I would not go through the motions again for the Holidays–I wanted us all to be back together under one roof. I started telling him that LAST Christmas and here it is, Dec. 2015, and no change. My suggestion to you was going to be to set a date by which things to have moved forward and then stick to it, but even I couldn’t. It makes my husband mad if I try to “control” the situation like that. I once asked a counselor what was my role as a stepmother and you know what she said…she said my role as a stepmother was to raise my own son. His kids had two parents and it was their business to raise them, not mine. Wow that sounded so easy but it was not. I tried to let him raise his and I raise my own, but that does not work when all 5 are living in one house. I “expected” (therein lies the problem) his children to do chores, help in the yard, etc. They did not and were never asked to do so while my own son grew to do his weekly chores, etc. but resented that he had to but they did not. So I, too, am convinced that I cannot live with his daughter and I know in three years he and I cannot just pick up where we left off because we have already grown apart, in a lot of ways. With that being said, it really is up to us, as women, to make the decision because I don’t think, not my husband at least, ever will. He seems content to just let things continue the way they are. I plan to get through the Holidays and then re-assess. My mother always said, “things happen for a reason,” so if we divorce and move on, I feel certain, in time, I will learn that it was the right decision. Somewhere, there is a man out there without all the baggage and without all the drama.. who will love us both unconditionally. Isn’t that what love is all about?

      1. Fay

        Thanks for your reply Kim and on some ways we are in similar situations. I do have three beautiful daughters who are young adults and living independently. We have a lovely and close relationship but I have always insisted they have no say or influence over my relationship with my husband. So the fact that my husband can’t seem to do the same consistently, gets to me.

        It seems your husband is doing the same. Letting his child make decisions over you as his wife. He is raising her to wife status by allowing her to dictate the terms. Unfortunately this will never end as your husband can’t see the damage he is doing to you as his life partner and to his daughter who he is raising to expect to have the whole world revolve around. She will be raised to ever be accountable for her behavior. Yuk.

        My husband and I have a deadline… This time next year. When his son finishes his schooling. But in the mean time, I suffer doubt and insecurity ever single day!

        Good luck

      2. tee

        You attitude is all wrong. …….you must let your husband lead like it or not. Your attempt to control the situation is not even working. Tell no teach your son not to become resentful when things don’t go his way sheez…..think about the message you are sending him

    2. Ruth

      Hi. I’m sorry it’s difficult but unfortunately you signed up for a man who is a package and needs support with his kids. I suggest you do what u can to send a message to the children that you are there for them and this may not be easy. They will kick against you but you must be dedicated to them the best you know. It’s actually simple if u can get them to talk and really trust you they can see you as a friend or better still a second mum. Try to see life the way they do, that’s fair enough if you’re having their dad. Having said that your marriage is higher priority than the children because you must be an example for the children to emulate. For more advice I suggest reading blended family articles by Jimmy and Karen Evans ‘ marriage today’

    3. Fred K

      Fay, are you getting paid by the word to post here? If so, you are RICH!

      1. Marcie Rogo

        Fred, no one gets paid for our blogs.

  9. Dawn

    I have a similar problem I moved in with a friend who became my partner after 17 years. We have been living together for year now, and his children are very messy, lazy, do not contribute to taking care of the household in anyway. I feel like a maid. I am told by him that it is not my responsibility to clean up after them, that I do not have to do it. And that when I do it makes them feel like unruly guests in their own home and they are not going to talk rate that. They accuse me of being obsessive, but I assure you I am not I just think that when things are not being used After a couple of days, they should be put away. That the floor is not storage space and when something is spelled or emptied it to be cleaned up or throw away. I love this man, he is the first man I have ever loved and I am 47 years old. I do not want to leave. I want a life with him daily life sharing everything. But I cannot handle being made to feel like this is not my home, and I am not allowed to do anything to make it feel like home to me because it upsets everyone else . My partner and I have talked about plans and things that we want to do but when his youngest daughter who lives with us and is 21 years old doesn’t want to do it, suddenly our plans got put off indefinitely. But he is the most amazing man I’ve ever met as far as how we connect and just being And incredibly interesting person. Am I insane for wanting my own place?

  10. Gina

    It makes me not feel alone to see there are others experiencing the same issues that I have! I got divorced 4 years ago and met my boyfriend around that same time. We moved in together quickly and he really wanted to get married. He has 2 kids and so do I. One of my sons was not doing well emotionally after the divorce and he was not adjusting well to that situation. I explained to my boyfriend that I loved him, but that me and my kids needed a little time to get used to the new life we had. He was very hurt, but we stayed together. He would always let me know that when I was ready he was waiting and that was what he wanted…. Well, fast forward 3 years. My kids both said they were ready and they both want us to get married. Now all the sudden he doesn’t want to. We spent the summer talking about getting Married, looking at houses, etc. then he mentioned asking his kids what they thought of us getting married. One of his kids is especially not wanting that now. But at what point do you say “enough “!!! How long do we go on like this? He lives with me every other week. It’s confusing because I feel like I’m married, but then I’m not. I really want someone I can be with. I don’t like it when he’s not here. I’m not really sure how to approach this. His kids don’t graduate for another 6.5 years!!!!! I don’t think I can do this that long!! Whenever I mention it he just says, you know it has to be this way right now. Not happy!

    1. Marcie Rogo

      Thank you, Gina for sharing your story. I hope some members of our community will join in with advice. You should feel welcome to register for Stitch and bring this up in our discussion forums. There are certainly members of our community who are experiencing something similar. Take care.

    2. Kim

      Wow Gina. Same story in that you (we) are just in a bind as to whether to stick it out or move on. And I don’t like either choice. When my husband (I have the added burden of actually being “married”) tells me it’s “all he can offer right now, ” I tell him that he is making a CHOICE each day to stay apart and needs to stand up for our marriage and me and my son, all to no avail. In the meantime, we are growing further apart and my son and I are forging rituals/traditions that neither he nor his children are a part of. So if he thinks he can just waltz back in when his daughter is finished with school (3 yrs) and interrupt our lives (my son will then have 3 more yrs of school), it wil not work. And I know that right this very minute. Bit I am also trying to leverage our situation by telling and showing my young son (and his children and my family, friends–everyone that thinks I’ve lost my mind) that relationships are hard, marriage is a commitment and you just don’t up and walk away. If I were in your shoes, there is no marriage and I always feel in my gut that there is someone else out there that would love and embrace me for who I am and love and bond with my son. Don’t you feel that way also? I’m just feel too old to start over with another man. They (we) all have issues and baggage.

      1. Gina

        I do sometimes wonder if there is someone out there that would fit in with my boys better. But like you said, everyone has baggage especially at our age. I am 43 and he’s 45. I love him very much and we get along great and always have lots of fun when we are together. We are very different and opposites, but it seems to work! He’s actually talked about getting married which I think is stupid if we can’t be together!

    3. WhatsSup

      Doesn’t sound like you want LAT….id really love to hear from folks who are actively seeking this lifestyle or who are practicing it…I thought this was a LAT thread..not a “what can I do to live together with my partner” thread.

      kinda defeats the purpose..just sayin.

      1. Amy

        I guess one would say that I am in an LAT. I feel like I have no control of the situation. My husband decided to move out 6 months ago for various reasons and by the way infidelity as far as I know wasn’t one of them. We both have two daughters both teenagers and have come to the agreement of co parenting well he and I sort things out. I love him and I don’t want to get divorced however if this is the arrangement that will bring us closer than I am willing to do it living together we were both arguing a lot in front of the kids which wasn’t healthy. Now I realize that living apart has made us both become more respectful cordial and friendly ier. The girls CS respecting each other as well. On top of that he is going through a mourning process as his father passed away within this time that we’ve been apart. I also feel that he anticipated his father’s lost and felt he was not going to be able to cope which is I believe a reason he decided to move out on top of that I also know that he needs to be there for his mother which could possibly be another reason he moved out because he felt it was going to be a challenge to try to spend time with me and also have the time but his mother needs at this particular moment. I believe the time apart will help him become a better person will help him develop into a better person and also help him sort things out in his mind as to what he really wants in his relationship with me. I’ve confirmed in my mind that our girls are going to have their own relationship with their father no matter what so the separation will most likely not have a major impact on them although they may be coping in their own way but I think keeping them busy at all times will help the situation. I have a spiritual side to me and believe that patience safe and being humble and help me get through this . The situation is a little complicated in that I feel as if his mother is wanting this for us meaning us being separated so that she can have more of a closer relationship with their girls. I also feel that my husband is looking for his mother’s approval to dictate how a relationship should be. His mother and I have not had the best relationship although I’ve been trying to make things work out. His mother feels that I’ve denied the kids from her which is bogus. Our girls have a great relationship with their grandmother. all in all being separated from my husband may be something that I will need to accept in the long run it may very well turn out to be lat situation. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else as I love him very much. He is a good man is a good provider he’s a great communicator when he wants to communicate. I think that he will get used to this arrangement and her girls will find normalcy in the situation as well. I just need to come to grips with myself and realize that if this is how it’s going to be then I’ll just have to find my peace. I have not dealt with any courts as I don’t want to do anything like that because I am not that kind of person to take him for his money to file paperwork to go for court order that is just not in my mind at the moment. I try to summarize my situation but any suggestions are greatly appreciate it thank you.

      2. Chris

        I am currently LAT. My husband and I married 3 1/2 years ago and initially rented a home right after we married. We lived together for 1 1/2 years before said rental forced us to move out due to mold contamination. I had to abruptly move back in with my family and he moved back with his family. This arrangement was suppose to be temporairy until we could save some money and afford to buy our own home. Fast forward 2 years and we still live apart with nothing saved on either end to buy a home. I make just enough to cover my bills with very little extra and my husband worked for himself as a 1099 until one company 6 months ago refused to pay him for his work and he just stopped working altogether. I don’t mind the living situation but he beats me up every day for it. Always saying it’s my fault and that I need to do something to get us back under the same roof. We spend nights together very often and whenever we can but I refuse to rent again and feel that this should be a 2 way street. His work was unstable and did not make him much money to begin with. He denies this but come tax time it’s all there in black and white but yet still refuses to acknowledge that. I told him he needs to get a regular W2 job and build his credit since he has none. I feel like he places everything on my shoulders when again I don’t have the financial ability to carry us both on my income. If I could I would because I love him. He has become very nasty and has started becoming verbally and somewhat physically abusive saying that he does it because we don’t live together and the longer it stays like this the nastier he’s gonna get. Now I need to mention that there were a few episodes of this when we did live together as well so I don’t believe it would end even if we do move back together and maybe I am ok with living like this because of that. I can at least run from him when he starts getting abusive and have a place to hide until he stops and calms down. And I’m finding it hard to take the step of divorce because I truly do love my husband and am very much in love with him. He was never abusive before we got married and just want that man back.

  11. Jess

    Finding myself in a similar position. My partner and I are splitting up as his ex wife interfering in our relationship is causing too much strain on us. I sat back and let it happen to the point where I feel broken, problem is he has to keep her sweet(ish) as she holds all the cards when it comes to their young daughter. We’re still so madly in love but we both see it’s hurting me too much. I’m moving out in a few weeks (we’ve decided to enjoy our last few weeks together rather than me find some place to doss at) and even now we’re still making plans or perhaps excuses to see each other despite being separated. I’ve kind of got it in my head that maybe it will be great for our relationship in the long run as I’ll not have the anxiety of his ex texting a lot but we still get to see each other if and when we please. Complicated part is his daughter. I love her like my own so perhaps we have to be mature and really move on so that it doesn’t confuse her if we ended up trying again later on. In fact I’m not even sure I’m making much sense right now, head is all over the place. I’ll definitely be moving out as things aren’t going in a healthy direction right now but we just don’t want to lose each other.

    I suppose the next few weeks will put things into perspective more when I’ve actually left. If only his daughter was a little older and contact could be made through her.
    Hope it all works out for you lovely ladies!

    1. Marcie Rogo

      Thank you, Jess for sharing your story with our community.

  12. Catherine

    Wow, I am so glad that I found this page. I too am going through this and its because of blended families.
    My husband has 2 daughters 21 and 19 and I have 2 kids 14 and 12.
    We have been together for 5 years and the ex-wife was the primary carer of hubbys 2 girls but his eldest fell out with the mum and has, for the past 3years been living with us.
    Basically as soon as we were married, she was moved in!
    And the distance between us began.
    He is besotted with her, its sickening and people outside of our relationship make comment about how weird their relationship is.
    It has always been a bit of a battle between her and I as to how to manipulate the situation. She tries to pay less rent, I try to get her to pay more. She wants to have friends over, I have a no friends policy. And it always is about power at the core of it, to do with dad/hubby. Basically, at 21, I believe she is able to move on. But my husband is so scared to lose her that he has convinced me it is for the best for her and him to live in their own place. She’ll also be paying less rent than when she was living here too, to add insult to injury.
    My own parents live separately in their home (separate bedrooms) and I swore that wouldn’t be me. Well, I guess I broke my promise to myself.
    I just see that this is an inevitable separation/divorce situation.
    I resent him so much that I am not prepared to give up any kind of marriage benefits if he isn’t prepared to live as married couples do.
    That doesn’t sit well with me, because I know it will only destroy us.
    It sticks in my craw that he has chosen his daughter over his wife, especially because she is capable, but I made a commitment to him and he to me, so I’ll keep on trying but I’ve insisted on counseling and we’ll need some ground rules about how we live too.
    I hope this can work, but I truly doubt it will.

  13. onesupermom

    Living apart wasn’t my first choice, but it worked for me because my husband was a hoarder, that didn’t take showers, or mind sleeping with flea infested dogs, that defecated all over the house which he couldn’t smell or want to clean up right away. He was a shop-a-holic and he always seemed to be in some financial hardship, though he made a six figure salary and had no children to support including myself since I worked. Need I say more?

  14. Edwina

    Hi All,

    I am so glad that I bumped into this page, it is comforting to see I am not alone in my case … although my situation is a little different.

    My question for the ladies living apart is do you have conditions?… is seeing other people allowed?
    I separated from my husband a year ago and moved out of his home with our kids, we had been fighting and I hated the idea of even coming home. Instead of his acknowledging the issues and working on making things right, he took another approach and basically went on living his own life. He felt as though my leaving was a final step in ending our marriage, even though I told him a # of times it wasn’t. Anyways now we are trying to work on things and I feel as though we cannot do so living apart, I feel like a part time wife and it is not a comfortable feeling. It could be that I am feeling insecure because during our time apart, God only knows what or who he did.

    I honestly feel like he is happiest like this, as he gets to have his cake and eat it too… he can see his wife and kids when he pleases and not deal when he doesn’t care too. I don’t find it fair and I have expressed this to him.

    I was just randomly googling ” can a couple be happily married, living apart?” and I bumped into this blog. Thought I would do a little written venting, thank you. 🙂

    1. Anthea

      The bottom line? What do YOU want? Who gives a stuff what your husband wants because as you’ve says yourself, he’s liking the current arrangement… He’s got you Abd the kids PT and only when it suits him… And can turn his back on you all when the going gets tough… Is that who you want as a father figure for your kids and a man to whom you admire for yourself?

  15. Cindy

    My situation is somewhat different. My husband and I have been married for 30 years this July. He had an affair 7 years ago, got tangled up with the wrong crowd and then went to prison for the last 7 years. I being the faithful wife, i stood by my husband, supported him 100% and waited for him those 7 years. He has been out since August of 2015. Its been a very long and rocky road. We are still married but live right next door to each other. I know he loves me, but i think he is cheating on mr again. I waited for him, like he asked me to and this is what i get in return? Im very much alone. We hvnt talked in days. I cant take much more. I love him so much…..do i just let him go?Can someone please talk to me?

    1. Lindalee

      Let him go. Take care of yourself. You have done everything right.

    2. WhatsSup

      If there is no trust…there is no relationship.

      1. ladypisces

        Right 10 years relationship married for 1 years 4 childrens my husband had a fuck up childhood and issues and now it done rub on me til where it shame.. Controllin man just brung me down .Live and you learn bad pregnant.Put his ass in jail for hitting me now he talking bout god this and that..smh

    3. Rene

      You know he loves you? But he is cheating on you. So, he loves you like family. Is that ok with you. I wouldn’t put up with it. You could get STDs. If I were you I would start dating other men that can commit and respect you. Your not getting any younger and he knows that, I’m sure he will always go out on you and it’s going to get worse as you age. That’s what men who are in it for sex do. Lots of men throw the wife away for younger prettier women, of course if the wife is willing to stay and let him use her when he wants he’ll do that too while dating the younger girl as well. You are wasting your time. Get a man that loves you for you and as a human, not just to use.

  16. Sheryl

    I have a little different situation. My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married after 9 years of being together. We have never lived together. Our children are grown and he even has 2 grandchildren. We love each other but there are issues. My concerns right now are all financial. My son is in college and I have just started back to school myself. We both rely heavily on financial aid to attend. Will being married but not living together cause financial upheavals? How are you handling your finances while living apart?

  17. Carol

    I have been married for 30 years but we have been living separately for past 2. I had health problems and we took in our eldest daughter’s friend for 3 years when she was 14. It worked for the first year then as teenage years came along she became very difficult. She took an overdose. My son also has aspergers so it was a difficult time. I did all the finances, holiday planning, caring for elderly relatives etc. and it all got too much. I became depressed. My husband just said “it will be fine” but it wasn’t fine. I felt neglected and started an affair with a friend. My eldest daughter checked my phone and saw some texts which upset her. Since then she has not wanted a relationship with me. She accepts my presents but will not acknowledge them. My husband forgave me but things have been difficult with my daughter. It feels like she is running the house now and she is a real “daddies girl”. I feel like he puts her first. She is 24 so not a child. He will want to see me but I have to collect him, as he doesnt drive, and will not stop over because he has to get back to the family. It upsets me that I feel like an outcast, even though my other 2 grown up kids 30 and 19 visit me regularly and think I was right to leave. They do not know about my affair tho and eldest daughter has kept this to herself. We are trying to make things work but I don’t feel he is putting much effort in. When I left he just said “see you around sometime” didn’t try and stop me leaving or beg me to stay. I know I had the affair so he is hurting but don’t want to make the same mistakes again. Our sex life is not satisfactory either. My affair opened my eyes to a better sex life. I feel so mean. I want to be a part of my family’s life but do I make the separation permanent as I don’t feel we are going anywhere. I feel unsure and don’t know what to do for the best. I am still helping with my mum in law who has alzheimers, as apart from my husband she doesn’t have anyone else and thinks of me as a daughter. I feel I can’t abandon her. I arrange everything for her re. care, finances etc.

  18. Kevin

    I can fully understand the living separately arrangement although it would take a special relationship to maintain that. I can also see that once you start – you might not be able to go back. I’ve been divorced for almost 5 years after a 30 year marriage. Our children are grown and on their own and not far from me. While together we had our spaces in the house and the rest was decorated typically. My Ex made most of the selections but that was by mutual agreement. I didn’t care what colour or pattern were on the throw cushions. NOW I do. I am in my own house and didn’t realize just how much my personality and organization was not reflected in the past house. I am a naturalist and so my house is full of images, books and yes, even throw cushion covers that reflect my interests. Someone joked that it’s a mancave – just the entire house. But tidy. I’m not OCD but do like to keep things organized. After all, there is just me – if I don’t clean up then no one else will. For over a year I was dating a woman and we got along well even though we did live 4 hours apart. It was clear that she was looking for a lifetime companion and there was discussion about moving in. I found it difficult to conceive of having someone in the house. I knew what she had in her house and it was pleasant but I didn’t want to live with that. I suspect vice versa. While it was great sleeping together – the times apart alone in your own bed were great too. The idea that I would give up this space became part of a barrier between us. She was very logical and said we’d buy a new place, get rid of the old and then merge our living spaces. At 61 and 62 respectively, that should be easy to do. Someday I might be open to that but not at this point in time. Maybe in a few years I’ll have realized it was a mistake but not now. In the end we split because she was looking for something that I could not provide her. I believe if we lived nearer to each other then we would still be seeing each other in a monogamous relationship but living in our respective houses. I might be wrong and she might not have agreed to that but I think that would be the only solution. I am afraid that the more I’m on my own – the more difficult it might be to have someone move in with me.

    1. Pearl Kirkby

      Kevin, I think you really understand the gist of this post. Being in this same age group and contemplating the benefits of the same living arrangements for exactly the same reasons, I thoroughly understand your dilemna and I hope you find the right gal!

  19. Tamara

    Me and my husband have been living apart for the last 11 months,I have realised that I really do miss him and want him to move back in with me and my children but my children dont want him to move back in,I just don’t know what to do as I really do love my husband and my children I don’t know what to do for the best,I don’t know how to tell my children that I want him to move back in with us all….

    1. Molly

      Your kids dont want him there. That speaks volumes and If I was you I’d listen real close to their objections.

  20. Gaylene

    I will be 51 in five months. I became engaged one week ago. I have never been married and have no children, but I am my 92-year old mother’s caregiver in her home and have five pets. My fiancé is HIS 86-year old mother’s caregiver in her home and has one pet. We agreed to an “extended engagement” due to these circumstances, but I want my mother to still be alive and hopefully somewhat mobile for my wedding, and that is why I came upon this page. The most I can say is I’m happy to see that it is not an uncommon thing to be married and living separately, and I’m glad I don’t have as many issues as many of you seem to have – no offense! I wish you all happiness and the best of things to come. 🙂

    1. Kim

      This is the first thread I felt I needed to respond to…If you read my original post you will see that I, too, was married for the first time at age 47 but I have a young son and my husband has 3 children from two previous marriages. Makes it a LOT more complicated and is the primary reason for our separation. What I want to say to you is that I had a true grandiose excitement about being “married,” introduced to others as “this is my wife, Kim,” (it still makes my heart flutter) creating “family” traditions together—you get the picture. Those who have been married and divorced before may never understand this. I had waited a long time, came from a broken family and really wanted to provide my son with a stable family home life. All this has been S-H-A-T-T-E-R-E-D with our being married and living apart and is a constant source of my unhappiness–and sometimes anger–with our situation. I feel that we made a conscious choice and a commitment before God, family and friends to get married and that means BE TOGETHER and that all relationships are difficult (especially those in which you share living space) and that couples need to work on issues, not assume they will go away if you ignore them. I am, in my mind, always trying to reconcile and make sense out of the situation (which I absolutely cannot) and someone else said it best here on this website: both parties have to want this for it to work. I want my husband here to kiss goodbye in the morning and have him share dinner with me and my son and hold me at night and kiss me goodnight. You lose all of that when you are not living together. And the back and forth is unbelievable! Have to go get this, forgot to bring that, can’t do that because it is at the other place…. And don’t get me started on the double electric bills, cable bills, gas bills, grocery bills, lawn bills etc etc which only waste our money. All I wish to say is think long and hard before you embrace the idea of marrying this man and then both living apart. It doesn’t make sense to me (or to my family and friends—to which I am ALWAYS having to try and justify) and turns the whole concept of marriage and commitment and togetherness on its head. Bottom line: I would have never married my husband had I had even the remotest idea that we would one day be married and living separate and apart.

      1. Gaylene

        Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and experience, Kim. I’m sorry your situation is so disjointed and not what you want. What you say makes perfect sense, and that is probably why my fiancé stresses the EXTENDED part of our engagement. I am in complete agreement and in no huge hurry to be married until the time is really right. I just hope my Mom hangs in there long enough for the wait. I’m excited about the planning part, but unsure of an actual MARRIAGE. Most likely because I just can’t envision how we can truly be together and focus only on one another with our current situations. I never wanted to make a mistake and end up with a divorce. I tell myself, at this age, my chance of remaining married “until death do us part” is a closer reality than it would have been were I in my 20’s! I really just want to enjoy this engagement for now. Friends tell me “just do it” and two girlfriends are being married within MONTHS of beginning new relationships. That just scares me. I want to do this right, and I really appreciate your input. I have faith that God will guide me and provide me the best timeline. I feel He’s done a pretty swell job for me so far. Thanks again, Kim, and best of luck to you. I mean that.

        1. Kim

          Gaylene, I hope I didn’t come across as too harsh, but I know, as women, we are emotional beings and dream about our “wedding day” from the get go. Your situation with the aging parents is a lot like our issues with our children. My husband and I never had a chance to ease into our marriage together but instead were immediately hit head on with all the issues of being pulled in so many directions. There never seemed to be real time for the to of us. When we do finally get to where we have some “us” time, we are both exhausted from the logistics, fighting about the decisions we have make regarding the children, etc. Every couple is different. If you know the issues and still choose to move forward, than that is fair and wonderful for you. I guess I’m still old-school and think loving married couples should share their home, not have another place to go when things may get a bit tough. Never having been married (or having never even lived with a man)–I could not foresee the little issues that would eventually drive up apart. And, boy, is it different living with someone…. I, too, wish you all the best. (And, yes, my mother was aging and I, too, wanted her to be there on my wedding day but do you know what she said just before the wedding? “Kimberly, marriage is hard work. You haven’t done it all this time…why would you risk everything you have just to be able to say you’re married?” It still rings true with me even though she passed away 4 years ago. Hugs to you!

          1. Gaylene

            Not at all, Kim. I appreciate brutal honesty. I think I have a pretty good grasp on what it’s all about. I do not wear rose-colored glasses – which reminds me, I should update that photo! lol Hugs back to you, girlfriend!

      2. Donna

        Hi Kim – I totally understand your frustration and hurt. Have you tried to discuss your feelings with him and what was his response?

      3. Sssssss

        Hi I wish that my wife could feel that way about our marriage. She just up and left no goodbye can’t even contact her cos I don’t know where in world is she, I have been in a bad space for a while and this took me to a point I never want to ever see myself in. For me now I’m reading these message everyone is sending and promising myself that I will never ever show a woman that I love her. I realized that showing how much i cared was the reason she left.. I’m a bit of a control freak and I know that’s not good just I want to know that nothing will harm my family in any way. Can I ask question to anyone out and tell me was wrong or right to find out that my partner was unfaithful to me more than once and I forgave her over and over. I truly believed in her, cos she is a damn good woman but now she has given up so must I. Thanks for allowing me to pour my heart out, wish all luck with your probs. ✌️

  21. Veronica

    I’m so happy to read this. For the past 9 months I have been in a long distance relationship with grand ideas of a ‘traditional family’, but there has been one huge stress for both my fiance and I, and we ended up breaking up because of it, unfortunately. I have a special needs daughter, and it’s not that my fiance doesnt love her, it’s just overwhelming for both of us to consider living together because she has 25 food allergies, SEVERAL which are potentially fatal, on top of being legally blind and motor delayed from a slight brain malformation, and I have to keep a very controlled environment for her. Our only income is SSI because she needs me at home to care for her. We cant eat out and I cant bring in allergens. It takes a lot of work and dedication, and it’s not easy to just jump into. It’s IS overwhelming, and it was stressing us both out. So we cancelled the wedding and nearly lost all hope for a future together. But, I decided maybe we just needed a new approach. Right now we’re just friends, but we’re open to trying again under different circumstances. I would like to move to his city this fall and see how it goes for us to have our own separate arrangements. He can have his ‘man cave’ covered in allergens, and I can maintain a ‘clean’ home for my daughter and I. I am not sure what a ‘marriage’ would do to my daughter’s SSI claim which we completely depend on. But, we’re Catholic, and we would have to address the issue of guilt free intimacy when that time comes. Thank you for this encouraging story. It’s nice to see that people can make this work!

  22. Sandy

    Wow. I mean WOW. I am amazed at how many comments this blog has gotten. So happy to hear there is a non conformist attitude finally creeping in to our civilization! If we look at history, heck, married couples in earlier centuries always had separate bedrooms!

    So here is my addition to the conversation. First marriage ended in divorce as he was caught cheating. I had two boys from that marriage, both are over 30 years old now and live hours away. I am now a widow at 58 as my second husband passed after a very lengthy illness to which I was his 24/7 caregiver. I have four step kids (all over 30) and six step grandchildren who live locally. I have been dating a long time friend now for nearly two years. We each have our own homes. We each have critters. He lives next to his parents in a nearby village as they are over 80 and he needs to be close even though they are in pretty good health. As they age it will be even more necessary that he lives close. We have discussed engagement and marriage and even the fact that we want to show everyone how much we love each other to our friends and family but……..”hey can we get married and then not live together?” I assured him we could and this blog proves it. Heck we only live ten minutes from each other. I can’t see myself moving into a city situation after 40 years of living in the country.

    Like some of you I too am OCD. He is far from a slob but has a lazy gene when it comes to household chores. I know that would drive me nuts. And my necessity of cleaning would drive him nuts. He has always been a loner. He has a very small circle of close friends. I am more extroverted yet still love my alone time after a failed marriage and years of being my 2nd husbands caregiver. My freedom is important to me. I travel often to and with my boys. So here we are trying to decide if a live apart marriage would work for us. Given our personality differences I think it would. Our animals definitely would not get along. I have two cats and a dog. My dog has no limits outside as I live in the country. He has a bird who prefers the freedom of flying around the house to which my cats would take care of in a fast hurry. His two dogs who are very used to their surroundings and being in a village their freedom is limited. After caring for my husband and parents for years, I am not in a mental place where I could or would want to be a caregiver full time again.

    I love him dearly and truly want to be his wife. We either wait until our circumstances change or jump feet first into this non conventional marriage and see where it leads us.

    1. Carrie

      Sandy, How would marriage improve this situation?? Maintaining your freedom makes much more sense to me. I know of a similar situation, the couple married and shortly got divorced and had bad feelings for each other. If it isn’t broke don’t fix it.

  23. Practical one

    Each to their own and passing no judgement, but i can’t believe what’s happened to r/ships in the past 20 or so yrs. It’s like it’s become almost a sin to live together with the one you love. There are many ways that partners/married couples can give each other space and freedom whilst living together and still have separate identities. If couples are in love, why would they live apart, if couples love each other but are not in love, perhaps that’s different, but if you live apart from your long term partner, you may love them but are not in love with them.

    1. Anonymous

      YES. Thank you!

    2. Darryl

      U sound just like my wife renda loree. I was clueless she felt this way. I’ve been clueless on many things. I lost my wife and family. Met her in college. Two weeks later we are going to be parents. 30 yrs later. They are gone. I am in love with renda I know she has had affairs. She thinks I have. She’s wrong. I gave her what she asked for in the divorce. She claims I need to become a whole person and make a fortune in California like I have done before. I think this is her way of letting me go slowly. To protect me. Its not necessary. She will be miserable when im gone. I wish happyness wnd love for her and our four daughters. I just couldn’t handle her being with another. Till this day I have to pretend what she proclaims to be the truth. I was hearing things because of a drug induced psychosis. I believe she can’t bare the truth. She is a self proclaimed saint. Found out she was a prostitute. This brilliant woman built a cvu unit. Heart unit. She’s incredible. I’ll miss her and the time we shared. Thanks.

  24. Jen

    I am now living separately from my husband of less than a year. We married too quickly to really know and understand each other. With that said, it was at my request that we separate. I fell in love quickly with him, but didn’t give any time to get to know him, and what I discovered is that love is just not enough when you marry in your 40s! In the early months of marriage, I learned that he’s moody, mean with alcohol, jealous, and was not providing much of himself or finances to the household. I just got to the point where I couldn’t figure out what he brought to the table, and I just got so turned off with his behavior and feeling on edge with his moods. What I found out about myself is that I don’t like being married, the extra weight on my shoulders, and my loss of self. So, he moved out a week ago, and while I’m loving being alone and in control of my life, having my space back and the fact that my teenage daughter is so much happier; I still miss him. I still miss him but don’t want to live with him. Are these feelings common? I asked for a divorce, but he wants to work on our marriage!

    1. Sid

      I can appreciate this comment. You’re right; marriage at this stage in life requires more than love and/or infatuation. I married my rock and roll boyfriend in late 30s, early 40s for him. Moods, his drinking, loss of self…these issues definitely magnified after marriage. We were LAT but tried living together. That spelled the end. Trying dating after splitting because we did/do care for each other and miss each other but it feels like “limbo”. I believe I want a divorce, he does not. It’s a tough situation and I empathize.

  25. Sandra

    I have been married for 26 years, but have not lived together for 6,because of the death of my sister and mom, I have a major depression disorder,he nor my grown sons understand it and say to just get over it, because this is a real illness, that you just can’t get over…that put so much stress on me that I just can’t live with them, so right now my son is letting me stay at his place, he moved back home with his dad, he gives me gas money sometimes and pays for me to see my dr…until I get my ssi, which when I do I have to pay him back. I just got approved but don’t know my benifits yet. Does anyone know if by him giving me money and letting me live in his place mess up my ssi ?

  26. Anonymous

    Learn communication skills and how to be an individual and SAY what you need. If you do, this would never be a problem. This is so very sad to me. I can’t imagine the disconnect I would feel if my husband and I lived separately. I am able to go and do things as I would like and he the same! We have NEVER felt the need to spend so much time together that we get tired of one another…besides, you must learn to see the positive and good in someone, and it’s a practice that takes perfecting. So, very sad, that people have such a hard time being themselves, that the only way they know how is to live separately. America has a problem. Teach your children to communicate and be individuals and this will never have to happen for them.

  27. Marty Blount

    Love ham but can’t live with him. Have been together for 20 years and try living together in the beginning about a month and it broke us up. So weary conciliated 3 months later but didn’t live together until I moved 100 miles away and he wanted to move with me. So we tried it again after this move and within three years he retired and life was unbearable again. To make a note he did work out of town for a while so we weren’t exactly full time living together. Now we’re both retired and have our own houses in the same town. That has worked very well as we can see each other when we want colon which is every other day and call each other and text almost everyday. Now I bought a another home for a vacation home down south and of course he wanted to come now and live with me for the winter. We did that and it was really unbearable. Now I don’t have know how to handle next winter cuz he wants to go again I don’t feel comfortable with that much length of time living together which would be about 4 months together under the same roof. I’m very nervous about this coming winter and how to handle this situation without hurting his feelings. Any ideas please.

    1. Molly

      Marty, your going to have to accept that his feelings may be hurt but you could soften the blow by making plans to spend a weekend together sometime over the weekend.
      Live your truth.

      1. Molly

        I meant sometime over the winter.

        1. Marty Blount

          Thank-you Molly. We took a few days off together with the dogs. A nice drive down the coast. Went fairly well. I think we were both glad to get home to our separate homes (in the same town). We talk text every day and make time together every couple of days. He still wants to go down south with me this winter but wants to stay longer than I want. I do feel guilty.

          1. Nadine

            Hello Marty, I’m not sure on how to handle your winter situation. I was glad to read about your story. I didn’t listen to myself and wanting to buy my own home as my partner got upset and said he doesn’t want a LAT relationship. I had just sold my first house and was sick of paying rent. He had moved in with me in my first house but I didn’t enjoy it after a month or so. I feel smothered. I go to counselling about this every week, but why is it wrong that I want my own space? Anyway I let myself down because he inherited some money and also decided he wants to buy a house. In the end we bought one together because I felt either I do that or the relationship will be over. Now I’m angry with myself and resentful for not sticking up for myself. So I’m glad you guys have worked something out all these years ago that works. Please don’t give in too much about the winter house. He must also know how bad it goes after a while? All the best!

  28. Supriya

    I am 45 and married for 16 years. I have a daughtet 15 years and a son 8 years. Recently because of job transfer I had to go to a far off city. Children are continuing their studies at my husbands place and happy with father. I am finding it very difficult living alone and upset. Though I love to go out but not used to or like to going alone anywhere. This blog has given me some hope. Instead of pitying my situation I should enjoy it. But feel guilty for not looking after children and enjoying.

  29. Teresa

    I have been with best the same person for over eleven years.. not sure exactly how long. Yeah That long.. Anyways, is it OK for me Not to want him to move in with me?.. hes been living with his oldest son if sixteen since we fot together.. I enjoy him Leaving to go home.. is that WRONG?.. is it ok to be happily married and living apart?. .

  30. Fedup

    Husband and I are contemplating this as he cannot get on with or stand our biological son and vice versa. It’s really sad. He is 21 and still doing Uni and needs a place to come back to but over the years they have always never got on and whenever son comes home it causes trouble. I must admit husband is worse in some ways like a child although he wants our son to be more responsible his ways of trying to achieve that are stupid and cause more problems than they fix. I have been too soft with both of them. Son is inconsiderate and thoughtless and keeps disturbing hubby late and there is no positive interaction between them just resentment. We have tried resolving but end up in circles. I really don’t want to live separate as relationship with hubby is great and we have our own bedrooms by choice and finances and love it but separate houses…a step too far for me. I can see some positives but really don’t want it.

    1. Jane

      I would say it’s time for your son to find another place…I don’t have kids but I say the adult relationship takes precedence….just my 2 cents..

      1. GG

        Sweet and simple truth, Jane.

  31. Jane

    Been dating beau for 20 months. He stayed at my house for 6 weeks- May-July , then he traveled for a week. I was on a trip when he returned so he went to his own place and now wants to stay there. Told me tonight he needs lots of alone time, his own space, and likes to sleep alone. He said maybe he could sleep with me once a week (we RARELY slept together before he stayed here). I prefer co habiting and enjoyed (mostly) the time he was here and I really like sleeping with him (hated sleeping with my xhusband). We are in early 60s. No kids involved. We live in different cities (20 minutes apart). I am no longer comfortable with having him go back to his place after sex….trying to figure out if I stay in a relationship that is on HIS terms or move on to try to find a partner who wants more intimacy. I do really like him. Think I am holding myself back from loving him because of his need to solitude….

  32. Cynn

    My partner and I lived together for six months before we got into a very big argument and he moved back in with his parents. His parents were thrilled, they always wanted him to move back so by the time we both realized we’d done a stupid thing it was too late because he had told them he was coming back (they’re indian, its complicated). It hurt him as much as it did me at first but not anymore. I find myself constantly missing what we had and wishing we had it back. I loved seeing him every night and sharing a bed and having him being such a big part of my life. It’s killing me a little bit that he’s so content with the way things are now. I don’t want to leave him but fuck… what am I doing?

  33. MsTamiajae2012

    Dang sooo MANY comment…I don’t feel bad wanting to live alone for a while. I’ve gone through some thing with my partner….for years back and forth…and I think any problems in a marriage should be talk about…not get a way from cause its still gonna be there when you come back. I used to tell him all that he was (and PROBABLY STILL is) doing was telling me he wants his single life back, but don’t know how to ask for it..he would get sooo UPSET, and now just last week he say we should live apart for a while…to try and make our MARRIAGE BETTER…I didn’t want it…but NOW the thought of me not having a chance to live alone…. I want to now…am I WRONG for wanting that.

  34. BarriStarr

    I’m gonna say my story….I have read a few of your stories as well.
    When my husband and I met he was still married but comepletely separated from his first wife. I even spoke with her BEFORE accepting any of his advances because I didn’t want to interupt any plans of future reconciliation. She said she didn’t want him and he said the same vice versa. They had been separated for almost two years already. So then we moved in together because of economic reasons. He had 5 kids with her and moved in with my own 4 kids of previous relationships. We lived together for 5yrs. Somewhere in between those years we reconciled our lives with the Lord and we understood that living the way we were (unmarried) was wrong. So I waited and waited for him to fix his situation. Years passed and nothing. It got to the point that I told him to leave. So he did. And like 6mos later he came back saying that he missed me and needed me.
    So I told him the only way he could have me was by marrying me. So he agreed and I helped him in the court process and stuff. Ok…so we’ve been married 3yrs already. He has never moved back in. This is extremely painful for me and stressful. I don’t know how some ladies on here can wake up alone and be alright with that. The joys of being married include the togetherness and bonding moments. How can too lives be together….yet live, sleep, eat, be….somewhere else? Those little moments in life mean the most. A laugh here…a snort there…they see you when you are weak…they stand by you when you are strong. How can these be bad things….to share our lives together?
    I’m getting impatient. Either he moves in or I’m going to do something about this. My heart is broken. Thank God I have God in my life….He’s the only One keeping me whole.

  35. Darryl

    I have a feeling me and Molly kind of know each other.

  36. Beth

    Your story is truly inspiring. I love living alone. Having someone around 24/7 is more of am annoyance to me than a source of comfort. I am a strong believer in “distance makes the heart grow stronger.” I think we are simply conditioned in this society to live together, get married, have kids, etc (although if that’s what you honestly want, then more power to you). I don’t plan on doing any of those things, and am thankful that I am in control of my desires.

  37. K

    My partner and I have both been previously married with children so this is our second relationship. Our kids are grown but we have continued to live in separate homes for 16 years. I don’t believe that this is so unique as it is becoming a more significantly common, modern life style choice . We each have good jobs and we each rent out an apartment within our homes for additional income. A few of our friends are in the same situation. Whether or not you have one home doesn’t mean you are spending more quality time with your spouse, or attending a different number of family and social functions, doesn’t mean there is less love making, or are less supportive of each other and you can be just as committed. If fact we know some married people who fight more often, and spend less time with each other, and attend family functions from earlier relationships separately, There are some perks with having two separate homes. You can decorate more individually, perhaps maintain some more individual control in financial decisions . A partner’s man cave doesn’t have to be the garage. A woman can still choose to be girly in her decor. You can continue to have date nights in each others homes and spoil each other with your cooking. Sometimes a married person can loose their identity in a marriage. If you can’t manage to maintain a sense of self , some marriages end. I feel partners living in separate home, especially in second relationships can be a better lifestyle choice for some people. I still feel that marriage , in the same house , may also be the prefered lifestyle choice for other people in second or third or more marriages. It is really a couple’s preference. It doesn’t affect the quality of the relationship as much as some who haven’t tried it might think. In some cases it can enhance the quality of the relationship.

  38. Kay

    I have been living with mine for 2 years and dating for 3 and when I think about having a future with him I panic and get anxiety. He’s just not the guy I want be with anymore. Don’t get me wrong he treats me right, no cheating not even a thought, when I fuss he fixes whatever it is. I just hate living with him (he’s very messy and has every excuse in the book why he can’t do any better), I barely like his parents, I hate his friend they are pretty much bums, he’s unmotivated (he will go back to school but only cause I bitch about it so much), he’s okay living job to job (he’s a painter) – which why I want him to go back to school because I don’t want to marry and have kids with someone who has inconsistent checks and is okay with it, he smokes weed (and will not give it up for the life of him), just not the man I pictured myself being with. But I don’t want to move out until after school and don’t think I’ll find someone after him. I pushed all my friends away (due to personal reasons none about him), and only have my cousin to hang with. I’m just completely out of the scene you know? What should I do? please guys give me advice! You see I needed to vent on a website lol

    1. Carly

      Kay, Its very good that you have realized that he is NOT mr. right. People do not change! If you should marry him, things will only go downhill.

  39. G.S.

    I’m just wondering, why marry in the first place if you need your space, and need to live alone? Why not just hook up a few times a week? I’m not being critical, I’m just curious.

  40. Jackie

    My wife and I just did this and it has been thing for our marriage! We live the time we get to see each other but also are enjoying our own time. She felt she couldn’t be the mom she wanted to be as we parent our children completely different!! She has one son who lived with us and I have two daughters. One in college and one fifty percent of the time. It was a big time struggle. Now we are really enjoying each other without the stressors. Hopefully one day we can live together again (, did for five years) but until we feel that time is right again this has been a blessing for us. A much better alternative than a divorce since we love each other so much! Sleepovers and date nights are the best!!!

  41. jean

    When i thought about “who i am”, and “what kind of a relationship i’d be good at”, this type of scenario came to mind. So pleased to see / hear it’s working for others. Can married people with separate residences maintain separate car insurance policies? Seems like “finding” a healthy relationship is becoming more and more thoughtful. Thank God! And God bless our parents and grandparents, who stayed in abusive situations, because they were told to. What a world.

    1. Tiggarette

      I talked to my insurance agent, to live separate homes while married you need to be listed on insurance as divorced , I have been married 7 months and my husband flirts at bars during day , only texts me a time to pick him up and I have to drop him off a block from his boarding house a block from his local bar, He wont drive so he can drink at will , works and dates a girl , he met through me , and he says he really “loves being married , ” No doubt , I am just a go-to for his sober reality needs_

      1. Gaylene Grossen

        Seven months?! (Well, now it’s been nine.) Your new husband didn’t flirt at bars and text you to pick him up seven (9) months ago? I would never have married someone like that! Can you file for an annulment? Wow, this blows my mind.

        I’ve been engaged for almost nine months. Only two months longer than you’ve been married. Our wedding is a year and a half away. The whole reason I came upon this thread was because we don’t know how we’re going to manage being able to be together since we both care for our elderly mother’s in their own homes. We WANT to be together, we just can’t be. Neither one of us are going to send our mother to a care home.

  42. Witsend

    This kind of arrangement would answer all of my prayers. We both have larger-than-life personalities, want things a certain way, and have not been able to learn how to compromise.

    Weren’t we all really at our best when we were dating and had our own independent lives and actually CHOSE to spend time together rather than be obligated to spend every waking moment with this other person? It’s really quite unnatural. How did marriage turn into this day in day out life sentence? I know that if I wasn’t forced to live with him, I’d like him better and enjoy his company much more.

    So, where do we sign up?

  43. Sheila

    I’ve been married for 13 years to my current husband. This is my second marriage. I was married for 5 years previous and had 2 boys. The boys are now both in college but we had huge struggles in our relationship with him and my boys not getting along. We now have 2 young girls together, both at home. Almost 2 months ago I told him I thought our marriage was over and I already had a place to live and had hired an attorney. I was so ready to be in my own place, have my own independence and just take care of myself and my girls. After he completely broke down we decided to go to counseling. We have been in a better place I guess but I’m having such strong feelings again about just wanting to be on my own. I do love him…am I in love with him? I’m not sure. I don’t want to “take care” of him, clean up after him, cook for him anymore. I don’t want to take care of him when we get old. This sounds very selfish but it’s how i feel. I have so much guilt feeling this way since he’s really trying and hasn’t really done anything wrong…recently anyway. I keep looking at places to rent and dream of being alone. How do I do this without crushing him? I think my girls will be fine, it’s just him who I think will fall apart.

    1. JB

      Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. But dont give up on him.
      It may appear that he needs you more then you need him. But honestly most men are not even willing to make an attempt to make a change for their wifes. Yours is!!! Open your eyes and try making an attempt for HIM!

  44. Meg

    So happy to find this conversation! My SO and I, both in our mid-late 50’s dated for close to 2 years when I moved in with him. He has since made it clear that he isn’t interested in making any future plans, saying it’s better for him to ‘live in the moment.’ Everything is separate, including finances, and he won’t agree to buying furniture for our currently bare living room. Though he shared more on a personal level when we were dating, he has since closed up and says he’s not an ’emotional intimacy’ kind of guy. Plus, he was hoping I would get into cooking and homemaking when we moved together, and though I contribute a lot, I’ll never be a domestic goddess. When I moved in I hoped for a real partnership, but we’re more like ‘friends with benefits’. Without some of the expectation we each carried into cohabiting, we had fun dating and really appreciated what the other had to give. I’d like to propose making a change to LAT. Don’t know if he’ll go for it, but I think it might help us adjust expectations and free us up to bring our better selves to the relationship.

    1. mcao laroj

      nice one here post it let see it

  45. YO

    You don’t sound crazy, you sound SELFISH.

  46. Married27years

    Its SIMPLE…….Marriage is a commitment to build a life TOGETHER—to have a LIFELONG partner TOGETHER, every day, standing together side by side, facing joys, sorrows, storms TOGETHER…….if you’re not wanting to share your day to day life with the LOVE of your LIFE,,,,,,,,,,then don’t get married……STAY SINGLE…….this is what’s wrong with our society today…….my heart breaks for the children of such relationships….to have no “consistency” of a loving HOME where there is a Daddy AND a Mommy……this post is just the product of someone who has no desire to be MARRIED…

    1. DeeVeeDee

      This couldn’t be more wrong… you failed to read the various posts of people who meet “the love of their life” at all different ages, once or more, or even for the first time late in life, but feel living together may result in an unhappy union. Why would people choose living unhappily together over living happily apart? Isn’t marriage about making it work? Why try to fit a square peg in a round hole? You are asserting that if people don’t want to live together married they shouldn’t get married and kids are at a loss without a “mommy” and “daddy” living under the same roof… so basically you are saying that people shouldn’t have kids if they don’t want to live under one roof married. What is wrong with our society… well, pointing fingers and judging, is you. You can’t live under a rock forever. The world is changing… there are solutions for everything. Just be happy you have 27 years of picking the right “one” to live with blissfully and hope he feels the same way you do. For the rest of us… we will move forward in finding ways to live happy, balanced lives that work for us.

  47. Rebecca

    What do you do when your husband is an angry, emotionally abusive narcissist? He moved out 5 months ago and threatens to divorce me, but then again, he has threatened that for years. I have been blamed for all the problems, but I promise you I have done nothing but try. He is unable to sit down and talk without dwelling on the past and blaming me for everything. He hasn’t tried to do anything to save the marriage including getting counseling, like he said he would. Its like he thinks he is punishing me if he doesn’t. I love him and would love to save the marriage, but I AM SCARED that it will be more of the same brow beating if he ever comes back and I do not want to go through that ever again. He came around a few times but to date, he has not tried to see me outside the house or called for more than just a couple of minutes. We have not had relations in a year. I didn’t know what to do until a friend of my told me about Dr, Ifa, That he have been a great man and he help her save her marriage and with all hope lost I have no choice but to give my life a try, I so much love my husband and I was ready to do whatever it take to make sure we live happily forever, I’m so happy sharing my story with the world because there are lot of people who really need help in there home, If anyone at there having relationship break down I will advice you to contact Dr Ifa (drifatomilolaspiritualtmple @ gmail . com and your story will never remain the same, Thank you sir I will forever be grateful.

  48. Shawn

    Seems like you weren’t with the right one, when you find that right person you never want to be with out them you always want to share that space with them. I understand you want your personal time, i understand it gets hard and the person can be smothering but remember you chose this person to spend your entire life with , you made the choice. Having space your husband should understand and give you that. Theres no reason for divorce on this matter when you can just talk to your spouse about it. This simply means your not ready to settle down, if you want that much space which i think some people should address to begin with. Its always sunny in the beginning so people miss the storm behind the sunshine, they don’t see the storm when it gets real. Its not when things are good in the beginning , Its when things are tough that you make it through; that you love that person more then any thing. You both become one when you are married. I feel people just get married and divorce like its nothing. You might as well have stayed single to begin with because to divorce and remarry is the same as cheating or looking at another man

  49. Jacqueline Buchanan

    For the last year I have worked in Spain. He lives in London. We have been together 31 years. We see each other every month or so for a weekend and we speak on the phone every day although we have n8thing to say and it feels like we are growing apart

  50. Amy

    We’ve been married 49 years my husband prefers sleeping in the basement without me. I sleep upstairs in the master bedroom. He wants nothing to do with me, never talks to me, he comes and goes when ever he wants. There has never been any connection between us. But we have so many years together we can’t leave each other plus I’m almost 70 and don’t care any more.

  51. Paul

    Well since i had not one but two Losers for wives at one time which i will Never Ever get married again since i am very happy with my very own place even though i have a steady girlfriend now since i made it very clear to her that i am Not going to get married again. She totally agreed with me as well since she was once married for 32 years at one time which she has her own place herself since our relationship is working out so far very well since we really both love one another very much. Relationships over all do work much Better that way many of times especially if you’re very Compatible with one another as well.

  52. Lola

    HI, my name is Lola
    I’m 22 and I’m currently dating a 31 year old father of 2 year old twin boys.
    We are short of our first year together. So far we get along great my toughest issue is im starting to feel like i have no identity.
    We have been living together for most of our relationship. (I know moved in way to fast)
    && now i feel like with financial issues his boys and habits(drinking) I’m feeling like i took on too much.
    I have thought this through and through and I can’t make a decision. i was hoping to hear some of your opinions.
    I had suggested i get my own place and we continue dating, however he feels like if i move out im leaving him and turning my back. being that i have no immediate place to go until i save enough to move idk what to do.
    just know i am not 100% happy.

    1. Kim

      Lola, I found this site several years ago and also reached out for answers with my own situation. I have felt compelled to respond to very little but I can read and feel your hurt and confusion. If you find my original post, I waited until I was 42 to have my first and only child and got married for the first time at age 47 (when my son was 5). My husband has three children (only 2 really in the picture) but from the very start of our marriage, I have had to endure all the drama, power struggles, back-and-forth, confusion, hurt, tension, struggle, etc. because his children (and even his ex) have always come first in our marriage. There were also very good times and we do truly love and trust each other 100%–that’s why I hold on. We have been living apart now for FOUR YEARS but still spend as much time as we can together when his 17 yo daughter is usually with her mother. He gets his daughter every other week (so 2 weeks out of the month) and chooses to live with her in a rental property we own and then hangs w/me and my son when she isn’t around. Bottom line (and this is exactly what my own mother told me before the wedding): “You will never be first in his eyes. He will always put his children first so you have to make sure you can handle that going in…”. And I will add that it only gets worst as unresolved issues pile on top of unresolved issues, particularly as the children get older. Issues arise that you could never even imagine right now! The lesson I’ve learned from my own situation is I would never do it again. I would either stay single and raise my child in a less complicated home situation with the values and traditions that are important to me or marry someone who has no children and raise a family together with that man–if you want children. You’re way too young to be taking on someone else’s children and all the baggage and drama that come’s with it. Wishing you all the best!

      1. Lola

        Thank you so much!!!
        My mother tells me the same and so do family members.
        I can’t imagine calmly dealing with worse issues and since i’ve been looking for my own place i find myself excited and well feeling bitter sweet emotions. My older sister has twins with her husband and she told me almost crying that no matter the issues they had, when she looked at him she saw her. Her struggles with him and their good times as well. But he was hers (he doesn’t have any other children). && she wanted the same for me since i am only 22 there was/is no reason why i couldn’t find someone with no children as well.
        KIM THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

        1. Kim

          I soooo hope I didn’t come off as too harsh, but I never imagined myself in my predicament and would certainly never wish it on any other…. It has literally drained me emotionally. Life is tough enough with all issues as we age. Sounds like you’re heading in a better direction. I wish you all the best!

  53. Lola

    by the way i have no kids.

  54. Mrs. Lawton

    My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12 and we no longer live together, but we are even more in love than we have ever been with each other. Over the years, I dealt with severe health issues and my husband was by my side the entire time. It played a huge role in our lives with lengthy hospital stays, endless misdiagnosies, too many doctors visits and late nights not knowing if I was going to make it. He got caregiver burnout and I didn’t know how to be a proper wife anymore. Our marriage turned into a silent torture chamber for both of us. I would be a zombie and switch between sitting on the couch not watching the tv that I had blaring to sleeping most of the day. Our problems came to a head a year ago and, while he was out of town, I found a place of my own 2 hours away from the home we had shared for 7 years. I had absolutely no contact with him for 4 months and those decisions, as dramatic and difficult as they were, saved my marriage and ultimately my friendship with my husband. We have separate friends, separate schedules, separate lives. We see each other every weekend and we completely enjoy spending Friday – Monday together. Our sex life has never been hotter, our communication has never been stronger, we have never been so much “us” as we are now. We have found happiness in our separate but married status. We get a lot of flak for this decision, but that goes back to traditional thinking and stereotypes of what marriage in our society should be. I think that if more couples tried this lifestyle before they called it quits, the divorce rate would probably drop. Just my opinion.

    1. Pearl Kirkby

      And there you have it! There are actual valid reasons that this arrangement may even be the saving of a marriage.

      I had a stroke Dec of 2016 and had to live apart from my husband for health care’s sake. He is disabled himself and cannot be held responsible for my safety. But during this time, both of our stress levels have dropped and we’re able to breathe! We speak on the phone daily and he visits about once a week.

      No arguments, no complaints…just contentment. We’re old enough at 63 and 66 to recognize solutions when we see them!

      Best wishes…

  55. Fran

    After four years of living together, I need a break. He’s moody and horrible at the best of times. When I suggest separation, all he can say is that he’s not going anywhere and he loves living with me. He makes an effort for a while then reverts back to the a-hole. I asked him if we could try living separately (like at the beginning of the relationship) and still seeing each other and being a couple. He says all or nothing. The only reason I want to try living separately is to SAVE the relationship from break-up. But he won’t even consider it. If I stay, I have to put up with his emotional abuse. If I leave, I lose him. I’ll probably opt for losing him. I wish he would just try it. But I know he doesn’t want to find another job and live in the city. We share my cottage in the country and he doesn’t work full-time because our expenses are low. He’d have to move back to the city and work full-time, I suspect that’s why he won’t try it. Oh well. Time to move on I guess.

    1. Dustin

      Hey, I was just reading your comment and it got to me a bit! Was just curious how everything is going? You should show him this webpage lol, it’s very convincing. Anyhow, hope it all has worked itself out in any case. Cheers.

  56. Lydia Murphy

    My ex and me are talking again, after 6 years of not talking ,for some very serious reasons. When we were married he was against therapy. He recently told me that he would go to therapy to see if our relationship could be repared. That was very surprizing and encouraging .He is an alcoholic and drunk alot and would rage. I found after getting on contact again, that he has actually been in school for a career, and he is taking it very seriously. No time to drink. He doesn’t seem to miss it. I found out that he had a stroke and realized that I had blocked him from my mind entirely for years, because of all my fear and pain and hurt. But back in contact I realize that I still care very much for him. But 2 big isues of why I am scared I may be setting up to feel loss and therfore hurt myself over this, even if therapy did better things, is that first, I promised my children ( 2 are ours, his) that I would not leave this state so that they always have somewhere they can count on ,and that I would never move because of a man. That if I married again, if the man was long distance, he would have to move to where I live. I also do not want to take the risk of leaving a secure place ,giving someone else too much control, such as deciding to move and move again, if he happened to move again, after moving to where he plans to move for job etc. I want to stay settled and not give up that control to know that I will not lose that,.for anybody. Because of past of moving too much when I was married. So this is my perdicament. I will NOT break my promise to my children. I do.not want to risk keeping a stable place and home that I have.created. But he can not, will not, move to where I live ( This s all based on if things worked out) because he has already made contacts and going where the work is in the degree that he is schooling towards. I stumbled across this blog. ( I usually never read these blogs) because it popped up when I googled if married couples can live apart. We would be living in different states. He is a loner and likes to be outdoors alot hiking ,camping etc. That is how he was living before finding schlol that could pay for place while he studies. I am someone who likes to have some social life. So we probably would not join in that together

    anyways. But I still love outdoors trail walking etc and would enjoy those activities and fun things with him. And I notice I enjoy him alot while getting to have contact again from a distance, but have a bigger sense of security. But I still wish something could work out ( only if therapy really works. Ofcourse would take work) Anyways my thought was that I wonder if 2 people could b married and live in different states? . Talk
    Email, Skype , when we are not together and travel back and forth when.we can. I’d never even thought of something like this,until it popped into my head, this morning. It would solve alot of the things that would otherwise get in way of us being able to consider being together. And I would enjoy my social activities,that he wouldn’t , alone times, if something did happen that got too stressful. Keep what is familiar to me and where I have finally settled. Without having to lose and opportunity to be with him. We would have quality versus quantity and there are some advantages of not beginning to take one another for granted, and keeping things exciting and very meaningful when we are together. Like I said, these thoughts just came to me this morning. I noticed that several of you do not live together, which helped me not feel alone ,or like this kind of thinking is unacceptable. But nobody mentioned living in other states from each other…

  57. Elle

    Thanks for this article. I’m really lost in my life at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. I moved into a unit he owned and then we bought a house together. I have been having trouble getting permanent work/good pay and last year we had to sell our house after he lost his job. We fixed up our old house and now we’re living together in a rented house (he just found work, I’m still looking for more permanent work on a good wage). We split the money from the sale of the house. He bought stupid things with his money and gambled it, and I got seasonal work and paid for the groceries, most of the rent and most of the bills. He blames me for loosing the unit and the house. He wanted to buy silver and other assets that he thinks would go up in price so I went to the bank and used a large sum of my savings to buy it. The exchange place said they wanted it in one name, and although our assets are physical and can be sold the receipts for most items are in his name (paid with my savings). He is a big manipulater and is finallcally and sometimes emotionally abusive. The rent is too much here, and his parents have bought a bigger house. He wants to me to move in with them so there would be 7 adults in a house including us. He said we would have our own space down stairs but I like to be alone (no interruptions, music loud, my own rules etc), also the isn’t much room, it’s a scary drive and a colder area than I’m used to. I told him a long time ago I’d only move in with them for a month at most if we had somewhere else to go. He is happy to live with them. I may have to move back in with my parents (I want to learn more and be an adult though). They work a lot so I will have some space/free time. I was thinking of getting land or putting a trailer on friends or family land if not. I want to be with him and do fun stuff together, but we are fighting so much and we he’s never even interested in “the act” it’s like we are almost flat mates that are used to each other so we woud’nt know what to do without each other. I feel like the more he knows the more controlling he is always being his way and I have to go with it. My sister moved into a different state with her husband for a year and came back with depression and axiety, as much as I want to save I think how I live is more important then where. Real it’s who I live with. Anyway that was long winded. Maybe someone can help. I think living with my parents is good I can pay rent/board and although it’s a step backwards I have an understanding of where I need to be on my highest peak because I’ve been there/had it before.

  58. Jaime Pimienta

    I’m also considering to split. After 31 years married looking at the positives, I decided to refocus on my passions and move away to persue them. On the negatives, my son became a full-fledged heroin addict and my wife enables him. I hate his illness and it drives me crazy. I can’t allow my son’s illness to destroy me with pain and despair. So I’m splitting. Only he can man-up. I can’t do it for him. This separation will turn my life upside down but I’ll accept that. That’s because my wife is more of a “mommy” to my 27 year old son than she uses tough love and kick him out. Our therapist told us about enmeshed families with drug addicts: need to separate from the insanity.

  59. Get real

    You people who get married and now want to live separately should grow up, I assume most of you agreeing to this are under the age of 21 because this is so immature and childish. Grow up!! Don’t get married if you feel that way, marriage is a commitment not a title. No wonder why this generation of marriages is a joke.

    1. g

      Wow, I think opposite. Marriage is a title and nothing more than a title. To be more accurate, though, it is a title plus some legal “revenge” opportunities. That’s why I don’t care for marriage. I care for commitment and love – not marriage.

  60. Jackie

    I met my now husband 9 years ago this September. We both have our own houses and he as children at home and I have a son at university. In 2012 my son and I moved into his house and I rented mine. However, he developed sleep apnea and I spent most of 2014 sleeping on the floor and being a primary school teacher at the time and being constantly exhausted with diagnosed IBS I finally had to move back to my small two bed house. He was unhappy about me moving out and suggested we got married to ‘seal’ our commitment to each other. The agreement is that once my son leaves college/ home and his two boys leave home we will live together in my house as I have two rooms. We do not support each other financially, both pay separate bills for our respective houses and I have single occupancy council tax as my son is a student. We both are mature adults and have married later in life so we both have our own houses, income and possessions. My huge problem I have is that my sons university finance are trying to get me to include my husband’s income to means test my sons maintenance loan! The citizens advice say that you cannot be means tested on two household incomes which makes sense to me! I have recently retired and am solely responsible for my son (as my husband is for his) I do not receive any money from husband, this house is run purely on my income. The student finance say they acknowledge that my husband and I don’t live together but need to include my husband’s income which will mean my son will get less for next year. Since knowing I am married they have withdrawn money from him for this year! Anybody know the law and can help? Citizens advice say that all benefits are based one one household you cannot assess on two separate households!

  61. Dustin

    Very great article! It reminded me of my situation in a few ways. See, I met my girl online. She lives in America, and I’m Canadian. We hit it off, and before long she bought a ticket to come visit me. The visit went great, and so she came again in a couple months, and then again later that year. She just came for the fourth time early this month. We get along very well!

    The reason she keeps coming here though, is because I have had some troubles at the border. I’m in the long, expensive, and stressful process of sorting that out… I do want to move there eventually after that. But in the meantime it reminds me of your situation to a much larger degree haha, We get TONS of space, and TONS of time for fondness to grow. Way too much in fact. Definitely would love to live with her, however, there are some benefits. I am naturally an introvert, so alone time is important to me. A LITTLE bit would be nice. I could see your living arrangement as something I would really enjoy haha, not sure my girlfriend would agree xP Ah well.

    Good read, great writing!

  62. Ruby

    This is ridiculous! This is not a marriage. And, hello, I hate to tell you, Jackie, but “we became one amalgamated version of ourselves” is the definition of marriage! That’s what’s supposed to happen! You know, that whole “two become one” thing? Ever heard of it? A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper… you are not married. You are dating. Not to say you can’t have a committed relationship and live apart, but a marriage? Absolutely not. It works for you? WELL, OF COURSE IT DOES. Because there’s no need for compromise, there’s no having to deal with annoying habits, if you fight you get to go to a different house to get over it, etc etc etc… but marriage is SUPPOSED to be a little hard and it’s SUPPOSED to be something you have to WORK at every day! You are not so enlightened or clever as you think. You are just living a lie.

  63. j

    Help!! My husband has been gambling (scratchers), he has lost thousands over the last 4yrs. I stopped sleeping in our bedroom with him, he’s not even attractive to me right now with this habit he has. So sex is at a bare minimum if it happens. He blames me for everything, says he would be much better off if he didn’t have me and my kids around. He complains about paying the mortgage, I work and pull my weight I pay the bills, buy the food, and take care of all the kids needs. Now he is going to sale our family home so he can buy a flashy high priced car and some clothes so he can be his old self once again and as he says “live”. My name is not on the house but was bought within the marriage. I don’t know what to do… with the prices of rent now a days it’s just dumb to sale our house. Our mortgage for a 4bd house is cheaper than a 2bd apartment, which is what he wants to move me and my 2 children into. He expects me to hold his hand and comfort him when he loses all his money… I can’t find it in myself to be nice and act like this is ok. IT’S NOT! He has lost his whole check in one weekend and doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Doesn’t buy for the kids or the household. Wants me to be solely about him, not have friends, not be around my familu, and gets jealous of the relationship I have with OUR kids. He expects me to wait on him hand & foot while he does nothing for me in return but offer sex… I’m over that. I’m tired of not being treated like a human being, he says things like: he doesnt cook or want to learn how because that’s not a man’s job, its a womans job to be in the kitchen. I lost myself in the marriage and have now resurfaced and I don’t like it @ all. I haven’t been on my own in almost 20 yrs so I get intimidated by that. Does anyone know if I can stop him from selling my house? I didn’t get married to get divorced but I’m at a point where seperation, something has to give. He doesn’t want to seek counseling or anything. I need help…..😞 I’m tired of being tired.

  64. Sam62

    I would love to live separately from my partner. He is a hoarder and the house looks like a junk shop. I am the opposite and I feel oppressed being under the same roof as him. I love him dearly, but living like this is actually affecting me. He wont accept it, because to him there isn’t a problem, he enjoys being surrounded by all his stuff, I hate it with a passion and am now so unhappy. I have tried and tried to accept it and he has tried to a degree to change things, but 14 years later we still in the same boat.

    I can’t invite people around because of the mess, I am so jealous of my friends who have nice lovely homes. On top of all of that he never lift a finger to do a job at all, it is crumbling around our ears. All he says is get someone in, but we can’t always afford it. It would cost thousands. If any jobs are done it is always me who instigates it.

    I worked from home for a period of eight months and lived elsewhere and it was so lovely to be able to live in an environment with no clutter, to have a nice place to live for once where I could invite people.

    Having my own place, but still be in a relationship with him would be my idea of heaven. I can’t see us surviving if we have to carry on like this.

  65. Pearl Kirkby

    I have spent 2 hrs reading the comments here and have seen only a minority who actually ‘get’ what the authors is saying!

    I personally must admit that this is not a traditional approach to marriage, and indeed agree that by tradtl. reckoning, marriage is, by definition, an institution whereby “they twain shall become one”. But honestly, it’s no different than married partners who live in a HUGE house, each with their own wing…but no one takes umbrage with that!

    Who cares if a couple can afford 2 homes, choosing to occupy them both…at all times. What it amounts to is that there are sidewalks (or roads!) rather than corridors, hallways and adjoining rooms.

    If it works, great! All you “holier than thou’s” who are quoting the Bible: the Lord hates divorce…or criticising the method: they’re not abandoning marriage, and nor is she claiming they’ve opted for an open marriage; they have merely found a way to avoid many of the common pitfalls of marriage that can, for some, eventually lead to divorce!

    I say, “More power to you and I wish you both a long and happy love affair!”

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